YOU’VE GOT TO be counterphobic to write memoir, meaning you need to write what scares you. After all, fear is with us all the time. Afraid of making bad parenting mistakes, scared of blurting out the single thing that might damage my marriage, always fearing what might be said every time the topic of our mother comes up with my sister and me—all of those make really good subjects. We’re all afraid at the margins of our main roles, which makes it a great place to write from.
And while a fear of death is a good topic, as are the dead themselves, many students in my classes confess their fear of writing about dead relatives, afraid of the response they might get from the living. There are so many better reasons not to write; each of us possesses an endless stream of them, though perhaps the most word-stopping one I hear is what the family—whether living or dead—might think. When you go to write what scares you, your family is probably the first ting that come to mind.
Here’s my advice: Write the piece—revises, edits, the whole shebang—and then let’s see what you have. Worrying what someone will say before you even write it makes about as much sense as shopping now for what you’ll wear on the Today show. Write it. And if we must, later we’ll take the family pulse. And then we’ll shop.
Who knows; the person you’re writing about may have died by the time you’re done, leaving you free and clear to publish your tale, since legally you can’t libel the dead. Still alive? Okay, too, since the truth is the best defense, and you are telling the truth, your version of it, chanting the soothing phrase “This is the way I remember it” or “The way it seemed to me” or “In my version of the tale,” and writing on.
So, go on. Write what scares you and see where it goes.
Grace Peterson says
You’re so right, Marion. Writing without fear really liberates us. I’ve got a major antagonist in my memoir and although I doubt he’d ever read it, by the time I get the memoir published he’s likely to be long gone. :)
marion says
Yup. If they’re dead you are good to go, especially if you always tell the truth.
lynne wighton says
OMG Marion, start writing and they might be dead by the time you finish! ROTFL!!! THANKS. of course my twisted mind goes immediately to…start writing and maybe they will be dead sooner…or that may be my “I am the center and POWER of the universe” talking. but seriously folks…I spent years after my father’s death afraid to even THINK bad thoughts about him, or admit that fond memories didn’t even need the fingers on both hands to keep track of them. I have come to believe that those who have passed MUST know about us. This came about when I had a great success and one of the people who helped me to achieve it had already passed. I decided then and there she MUST KNOW. I couldn’t bear the thought of the afterlife being as unfair as the life here on earth. However, this knowing that the dead KNOW came back to me as I stood watching my father pass away. If they see EVERYTHING, I’ll never be able to have sex again! yes I did. right there in the room, that is what I thought. When I told a very Christian friend she said, Lynne, they only see the good stuff. Which left me with, great, I’ll never have GOOD sex again! So, there I was, conflicted, guilty, suffering from the idea that my THOUGHTS might upset my dead dad, never mind putting them down on paper! And then I went to a psychic. One of those rare ones who doesn’t assume everyone believes in that stuff. When she asked me why I didn’t believe in myself I said, well, he’s up there, ask him. Upshot was, my dad KNOWS he was a shit to his family. He is learning lessons. As I work to heal myself, it helps him heal himself. So, now, the guilt is gone. Sometimes I yell at him, and sometimes, sometimes, I thank him. So, writers, go for it. The truth WILL SET YOU FREE.
marion says
Nearly speechless after reading this, so delighted am I for you and for everyone who reads this.
This is among the best comments anyone ever got.
Thank you.
I feel freer already.
lynne wighton says
Marion, speechless! Do I get a prize!!! Thanks and you are welcome!
Heather Marsten says
I agree. I am writing my rough draft using real names, and I can always make a decision to change names when it gets time to send out my MS. In a writing class I recently took, our instructor told someone who was fearful of naming names and having someone find it on the computer to put it under the file: To Do List – no one looks there.
Have a blessed day.
Heather
marion says
Heather, that’s brilliant: Put it under “To Do.” The suggestion is a marvel, and I am deeply grateful to have it here. Thank you. Go get ’em with your writing. And do come back soon, please.