What is a Memoir? Let’s Define It and Get You Working.
I HAVE A NEW response I give when asked how to define memoir and I’ve been testing it on people, hoping it resonates. Now, I think I’ll share it with you. When defining what is a memoir, one can scour the internet and get some really useless definitions, it seems. When speaking to others, it quickly gets even murkier. And I’m not so sure that most books on writing get this right, either, including the dictionary which, it turns out, is not the best place to look for help on how to write in our favorite genre. So, let’s clear that up.
The new definition of memoir I’ve concocted comes after more than 20 years of teaching memoir, reading somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 individual manuscripts, helping to publish more than 40 books of students and clients, assisting in the publication of hundreds of essays and Op-eds, and generally thinking of very little but the question of what is memoir? So let’s just agree that I’ve given this a great deal of thought. And, let’s agree that while I could be wrong about this, at least I do not think I am.
What Memoir is Not
First off, memoir is not about you. It is about something and you are its illustration. To make you feel the full “not-about-you” force, I have this little algorithm that you may already know. It’s this:
It’s about x as illustrated by y to be told in a z.
I call it The Memoir Project algorithm. Use it in your writing life. Fill that in and watch how every one of your stories becomes about something as illustrated by your experience, and not the other way around. Want an example? Here’s one: It’s about how closure is a myth, as illustrated by making the unsteady decision to get back in touch with every old boyfriend and the curious results of that escapade, as told in a book.
In this, the x factor is what the story is about – never you and instead, always a universal concept; the y factor is the scenes from your life you will use to illustrate what it’s about, and the z, well, that’s the length or form you will use, whether it be a blog post, essay, Op-ed or book.
What is Memoir?
In the years since I devised that little algorithm, I’ve put thousands of people through the uncomfortable exercise of shifting them from thinking that memoir is about them to knowing it’s about one, big universal for which they are the illustration. As a result, I now have this observation. It’s my new definition of memoir:
Memoir is about something you know after something you’ve been through.
I’ve hinted at this before in prior posts, but I’m ready to needlepoint it onto a pillow and, if I can find the time to do so, I will. I’m that sure of it.
Working The Memoir Project Algorithm
Let’s look back at my bad idea to get in touch with the old boyfriends. What do I know? That closure is a myth. That is what I am arguing. And, as you know, all non-fiction is an argument, particularly memoir. You argue something, meaning simply that you tell us what you know after some experience, whether that experience be something as soothing as learning to meditate or as hair-brained as tracking down a passel of bad boyfriends in order to obtain closure.
Memoir is about something you know after something you’ve been through. Or it’s what you know after what you’ve been through. But it’s about the wisdom, no matter how large or small the wisdom may be.
Why isn’t memoir about you? Because that’s not enough to drive a story. It’s not enough to have a readership. It’s not enough to engage anyone else. Wisdom, well, that is something we simply cannot get enough of in this life, don’t you agree?
What did you learn at the deathbed of your mother? What did you learn at the ballgame with your son? What happened to your heart when you adopted that puppy? How did you make the cultural change from the bigotry of your family of origin to someone whose sense of community is one of inclusion? What did you learn after calling up those old boyfriends? Maybe you learned that closure is a myth.
An Example of What Memoir is About
Let me give you an example from my life. I’ve been gardening for thirty years, and in those years I’ve learned a good deal about annuals and perennials, a lot about letting things die (sigh) and have a bushel of knowledge on tomato horn worms. But what I really know from thirty years in the garden is that peace can be found in my own backyard. Were I to write about gardening — and I have — it would be with that x factor, that y factor and the z would most probably be small – an essay, an Op-ed – since I have not got a whole book in me on that topic.
See how this works?
So, what do you know after something you’ve been through? Feel free to share it below. Don’t worry that anyone else can steal your tale. It’s not possible. Think about it. Look back at that Memoir Project algorithm. Memoir is illustrated by something you’ve been through. It’s your wisdom, your knowledge. And the world is waiting to hear it.
Want more help? Come see me in any one of my online classes.
Memoirama: Live, 90 minutes. Everything you need to write what you know.
Memoirama 2. Live, two hours. Limited to seven writers. What you need to know to structure a book.
How to Write Opinion Pieces: Op-eds, Radio Essays and Digital Commentary: Live, 90 minutes. Get your voice out into the world.
And keep in mind that I am now taking names for The Master Class, the prerequisites for which are Memoirama and Memoirama 2. Live, once a month. Limited to seven writers. Get a first draft of your memoir finished in six months.
Good Morning Marion,
What a terrific illustration.
Thank you for simplifying it, as we can all relate to past loves.
Regards,
Geraldine
So glad you can relate, Geraldine.
Thanks.
Best,
Marion
What I know is: A person’s authentic self goes far deeper than family identity, as illustrated by my search for who I am after being alienated from my mother in childhood, as told in a memoir.
I like that, I want to read that
I see we are both working on memoirs that involve an estranged parent (as well as family secrets). I am nterested!
Maybe we should hook up?
And that is a fine algorithm.
Nicely done.
Write it.
Best,
Marion
Hi Marion,
Thank you for this though I’m still not sure. . .
Would it not be more like “Memoir is a story you tell with the wisdom you gained after something you’ve been through.
For me, it has to be about story and storytelling.
Best Wishes
Vig
After reading all these other great comments I realize I should add this :)
It’s about the impact of unconscious parenting, silence, and alcoholism, on the family as a whole and the protagonist in particular (x), as illustrated by her quest for the truth after the death of her estranged father (y), as told in a memoir (z).
Yes: impact. But that’s Act One material. What is Act Three, where you resolve it? Be sure to mention that in your algorithm and argument.
Oh Marion, thank you so much – I didn’t expect to hear back from you. Your feedback is such a gift. Re-working my ‘y’ let me discover that I can’t hold back on the ‘what I learned’ part, – which I find boastful and above my station. Yes, of course, this is act three, and the ending, I think, will now be easier to write. I just have to dare to be a bit pompous.
Thank you again, so much.
Here is my re-worked version
We’re almost saying the same thing here, I think.
Thanks for sharing.
Best,
Marion
First of all, I have only recently discovered you, The Memoir Project, and thus, your wisdom! I am embracing the shift tentatively from linkups and guest posts and prompts!
My x is my recovery from a victim of trauma mindset. There is freedom in choosing to look forward not behind and to not join in conversations that pull me to call out all the wrongs done me. This, I have learned (am learning) is a futile waste of time in what’s left of my aging life. I am learning to line up the time taken from me because of abuse and trauma and compare to all the good that still came to me. More importantly not give any more of my days to the damaged me of before, knowing there’s no need to be known by my stains. Redemption has come and is possible to be fully and finally believed. I believe there are many women who aren’t enthused about the vocal fights of our day and are more ready to simply let their pasts be, so that they can simply be.
Now telling myself, whoa…too much Lisa Anne, too much!
I’ll leave it here and welcome your wise reply.
Dear Lisa Anne,
Welcome.
I love the idea that redemption includes a new mindset.
I love the idea of the freedom here.
Thank you.
And please come back soon.
Best,
Marion
LOL, I’ve been using your “new” definition since I first heard you say it in one of your classes last year. And it gave me great pleasure to tell a know-it-all relative he was wrong when he said he was going to write his autobiography about a life-changing experience he had. I was able to spout off your definition and algorithm. Clammed him up, right quick!
As for the ex-boyfriend story, I accidentally have been there twice. First time was in Bermuda, 32 years ago on my honeymoon, bumped right into the ass on the beach. We’re from CT. Yep, small world.
Second time was October 2017, when my oldest son turned 39. The only thing he wanted for his birthday was the name of his biological father. And I was the only one who could give it him. So I did. Well, he contacted his FBI friend, who did a search and found the loser had been arrested for heroin possession and all kinds of other nefarious activities. While I didn’t have a personal contact with him, I still felt it enough where I could let that affair go in my mind. It was cathartic and freeing and now I can’t even remember his name. Or the other dude’s.
And I’m still married to my Prince Charming, going on 33 years.
Is there such thing as a case study memoir? I appreciate any feedback and look forward to your response. Thank you, Kerry
Do you mean one should study?
The only memoir I ever off for study is Drinking, A Love Story, by Caroline Knapp. The book’s structure is perfect.
If you want help on the how-to, read my book, The Memoir Project, A Thoroughly Non-Standardized Text for Writing & Life.
Hope those suggestions help.
Best,
Marion
OMG.
ON YOUR HONEYMOON.
Give me a minute here…
I like the memoirs definition and I must admit it triggered me to start the long awaited project on mind. It is a reflection of my husband in captivity during a regime in turmoil and a famine stricken country.
I am a freelance writer myself but still need someone like you to guide.
Yippppeeeee.
I am so glad it helped.
Let me know how it goes.
Best,
Marion
Being truthful and honest will set you free from guilt, shame and fear, as illustrated by the moment I told my young children their father died by suicide even though his family wanted me to lie, as told in a blog post.
Dear Sandra,
This made me weep — not with sadness, but with some unnamed emotion that includes relief and recognition, respect and gratitude.
Thank you for sharing this.
Send me the link to the post when you write it.
Best,
Marion
Listen to Marion. Do it now and don’t look back. She taught me this formula when we “met” on-line (I’m in California) and I’ve since had two pieces published that had been going nowhere.
Thank you, you mighty writer, you.
Hi Marion, always love reading your work, whether in posts or your book.
What I know is if you have a dream and it’s meant to be it will happen and most likely not the way you set out to fill it but it will happen anyway no matter how circuitous or seemingly impossible.
As told through the trip I took with my mother to the Four Corners area of the Southwest.
Thank you again for making writing memoir possible !
Dear Tallulah,
Yers. I love this. This sticking to one’s dreams is grand material, indeed.
Write it.
Best,
Marion
It’s about how grief renders you homeless, as illustrated by a 26-month journey taking a daughter’s ashes around the world, as told in a book
Well, this made me thank the universe for whatever forces brought me to this moment.
Honestly.
What can I say but thank you for giving us — in a phrase — a reason to stop and consider the human pilot light, how it says lit and how each of us runs against it being blown out in vastly different ways.
A case study memoir about narcisisstic personalities in a narcisisstic
family cult as told by the youngest member in the form of a narrative essay.
I ‘ve compiled 50 years of memories and have been slowly writing chapters. I’m undecided on point of view and structure. I have a unique experience to share and Im hoping it will increase awareness about behavior that is often mistaken as rivalry and bullying. Thank you. I needed that. KerryL
You are most welcome.
Write well.
Best,
Marion
Thank you Marion, I got it from the first time we met and I like the way you are saying it now too. I have changed perspective and chopped off the “over-hangs” that needed to be eliminated or trimmed and even so…I still find more to trim everytime I visit.
I ask myself will it ever be ready to send off into the world, did I make my argument relevant and powerful enough to help change someone’s life for the better?
Did I use too many examples or not enough? Right now I have sent it off to have an editorial assessment and am anxiously waiting for the result. It is like giving birth! I hope it makes me just as happy and fulfilled.
Many Blessings to you Marion for being here for us who desire to write memoir.
All we can do is offer our art to the world, Pam.
I know you work hard at it.
Go get ’em.
Marion
Thank you Marion. I can agree with your definition. The writer, the artist is traveling a personal road to arrive at the universal in order to understand their struggles and connect to human kind.
My story is learning in a minor and unusual traffic accident how preposterously ass backwards you can become when you try to respond to all the demands about you.
All, those demands. Such good territory.
Wonderfully universal.
Go get ’em.
Clear definition and strong supportive illustration. Thank you, Marion.
Hello again, Marion. Enjoyed your post and I think your book and conferences have helped Steve and I focus our memoir, “Baseball’s Greatest Miracle: A Friend, A Magical Season, and Pitching Pygmalion.” One more chapter and Part I (My Hero) will be finished, then off to Part II (My Mentor) and Part III (My Friend). Our X, Y, and Z are “It’s a story about friendship and achievement, as illustrated by three slices and scenes from our 60-year friendship, and told in a book. And what we learned and accomplished working collegially during our three slices of high school athletics, small college coaching, and writing a book. We will be talking to you soon.
Thanks,
DeWayne
Hi, Marion …
I continue to value your writing,, and am always grateful
for your words. For me, memoir is recognizing humanity in
our own story.
Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
For me the art of writing memoir is in the (X) sense of direction I had lost–as so many of us do–in the chaotic crisis of losing my father, the strong arm around me, when I was sixteen.
The Y is in the persistence to never give up, until we recalibrate. No matter how long it takes, nor how many mistakes we make, then knowing how you finally succeeded in getting your sense of direction back on it’s original track.
Thank you so much for this opportunity to put into a form of clarity the idea that has been bouncing around in my head every since I read “The Liar’s Club” by Mary Karr.
I am now working out of your book,” The Memoir Project” and have gained momentum.