Five Signs That You’re Not Writing
THE ESPRESSO MACHINE IS CLEAN. This is never a good sign. In my house, a much better sign that things are as they should be is if that ancient steam machine is just this side of a health code violation and the kitchen floor is, as well. A much better sign is when the Half & Half is left out and that machine is a little funky because when that damn machine is clean it means that I cleaned it, and if that’s happening, guess what I am not doing? You got it: Writing.
What are your five signs that you are not writing?
Here are mine.
- My hair is blown dry. Usually, my hair is a fair imitation of middle-aged-woman-who-just-left-the-gym meets middle-aged-woman-who-needs-a-reality-check-on-how-other-women-her-age-actually-look-and dress-and-groom. Blame in on writing at home since 1983. Blame it on the Bossa Nova, for all I care, but I rarely do my hair.
- We have recently spoken on the phone. I despise the phone, and have been known to simply stare at it when it rings, a habit I learned from my millennial daughter who looks at landlines like they are curious noise-making antiquities that deserve their own soundproof dioramas.
- I’m wearing something other than a sports bra. (Meaning I’m wearing clothes — you know, those items of dress you’d agree to be seen in by your ex?)
- I am talking to someone other than myself or the dog. Oh, the things the dog has heard over the years: Book pitches, endless rewrites of the same sentence, blog post ideas, ledes, kickers and everything in-between.
- As I said, the espresso machine is clean. The really sad thing about this is that I don’t drink coffee, ever.
If you read my stuff, you know I do not believe in being stuck, and have the ultimate cure for writer’s block always at my fingertips, so don’t write in and tell me I’m blocked. I’m not. I’m just not writing.
Or am I?
Photo courtesy of The Library of Congress
When my iPhone battery is in the red
When my facial hair is presentable
When the bed is made and all my clothes are put away where they actually belong
When, for sandwiches, there is an option other than peanut butter
When my kitchen floor smells like lemon and lavender
Lemon and lavender are two of my favorite aromas, and finding someone who shares those made me go to your blog and read around. Nicely done, Jeffrey. I’m a big new fan of your work. Thanks so much for sharing it with the world, especially your Overcoming Anxiety series. Looking forward to more.
Thank you for the kind words. I truly appreciate it coming from you, someone whose work I have read a few times over.
House is free of Charlotte & friends , and their cobwebs
Basement & Garage swept spotless
Refrigerator sparkles inside and out
All cats groomed, and groomed again
Exercised to exhaustion (too tired to write)
Who can write when she is exhausted from exercise? I mean it? Ha ha ha. Thanks, Susan.
1. All seven litter boxes are clean.
2. My legs are shaved.
3. The living room walls are painted.
4. All the furniture is rearranged.
5. You can see the kitchen counter.
Seven litter boxes. Great detail. You’re a pro. Thank you, Pamela.
I loathe the phone as well!
I prefer texting. I might even change my outgoing message to say something along the lines of:
“This phone only has the capacity for texting (YES, A LIE – I”M FINE WIT IT! ;)
so please leave a number where you can receive texts.” ;)
Signs I am not writing:
1. There are only a couple of items in the laundry.
2. My skin is something other than ghostly pale.
3. There is fresh food in the refrigerator.
4. The dishwasher is empty and there are no dishes in the sink.
5. I have a social life.
Ah yes: A social life. Hmmm. Right. I’m working on that.
Don’t look now, but it almost looks like you’re writing! It must be in the air, because I am back at it again too.
For me, here are my five:
1. I have advanced several levels in Candy Crush.
2. All of my thank you notes are written.
3. There are no audiobooks waiting to be ‘read.’
4. I have completed a crochet project.
5. I went to physical therapy. Again.
Good to have you back!
So glad to read you here, Denise, and to read that you are writing again. Ha ha ha! Thank you notes! Ha ha ha!
1. The piles of books and magazines surrounding my workspace are categorized and stacked according to topic.
2. Every item on my “to-do” list, from grocery shopping to laundry folding to bill paying, is checked off.
3. A savory soup is simmering on the stove.
4. Homemade blueberry muffins, to accompany the soup, are baking in the oven.
5. Gleeful grandchildren know where to find me for FaceTime games.
These all happen to me on a regular basis, so now I try to rise extra early each day to get in at least an hour of solid writing before life’s distractions set in.
Dear Nancy,
I’m on my way to your house.
Best,
Marion
LOL
Here are a couple of my favorites:
1. The clothes hanging in my closet are arranged in a beautiful color-coded line.
2. All of the CDs are alphabetized.
3. I’ve reduced the number of messages in my Inbox to a reasonable number
4. I’m almost done reading through the stack of mystery novels I collected over the past couple of years.
5. My dog, Frank, loves me again!!
Ah, the love of a dog. Yes. It’s enough to make a woman stop writing. It is.
1. I am wearing a bra at all.
2. I have my fingernails painted nicely with no chipping seen.
3. The kitchen is way too clean.
4. Haven’t checked my cats litter boxes lately.
5. I’m staring at my computer without moving my fingers.
Oh yeah. Yup. Got that one covered. All of those, in fact.
1. I recycled all the empty shampoo bottles in the house.
2. My brain was taken hostage by Google for 3 hours.
3. The dog’s nails are done.
4. I lied when he said, “How’s the writing going?”
5. He got the sex he wanted when he came up to ask me how the writing was going.
Yes, yes, yes! The dogs’ nails, and the knots are out of their tails. The lying, also true. The empty shampoo bottles may be my next benchmark. Brilliant. P
Marion, this is just a fab post. So true, right? Yesterday someone said this to me:
“I’m worried about your work, Patti.”
“Why?”
“Your hair is blown dry, the floors are clear of dog hair and it looks like you actually cleaned your laptop keyboard.”
Guilty.
Busted.
Oh, and little did she know I have my own measure–everyone in the local coffee shop knows me by how I take my coffee.
No manuscript was harmed in the making of this comment, (clearly!).
P
I’m cooking
I’m sleeping
The cat is brushed
I’m shopping (anywhere, including the internet. Damn you Pay Pal!)
My taxes are resolved
But…sometimes I do need a break. Let those thoughts cook a bit (the only cooking I do).