How To Write Your Memoir: A 3-Step Guide
It’s said that good things happen in threes. That’s even true for knowing how to write memoir. Photo by Etienne Steenkamp on Unsplash
THERE ARE THREE MUST-HAVE COMPONENTS TO ANY PIECE OF MEMOIR, and knowing what they are will instantly allow you to get to work writing well. Master these, and you can have a writing life. It’s as simple as that, though it’s worth saying that if you want to learn how to write memoir and you ignore these, you do so at your own peril. Include them, and you can have that writing life you dream of. Omit them, and you risk writing and writing and writing without ever getting anyone else interested in your work. And who wants that?
So, what are they? I’ve got them right here. The three essentials to any piece of memoir. They are:
- The answer to the question “What is this about?”
- Your argument
- The scenes from your life that you will deploy to prove that argument
What Is This About?
Knowing what your work is about means knowing the difference between your universal theme and your plot line. This is an essential distinction for anyone learning how to write memoir. Your essay/op-ed/book is about the first — a universal theme. The second, your plot line, is the story you tell to illustrate what big universal thing your story is about.
“Oh no,” you are saying right now. “My story is about me.” Not if you want anyone to read it, it’s not. It’s not about you. You’re there. You’re present. We could not do this without you. But you are not what the story is about. The story is about something universal and – and here you come – you are its illustration.
So what’s your story about? Go on, leave a comment below, and take a crack at it, and I’ll reply with some feedback.
What’s Your Argument?
Every piece of non-fiction is an argument. This does not mean that you are argumentative or that you have to scream, shout or implore in your piece. Simply put, your argument is what you know after something you’ve been through – say, that peace can be found in your own backyard, or that meditation really does slow down that monkey mind of yours, or that grief is a process that must be gone through slowly, or else you are destined to stay in it forever.
Just like people, arguments come in all shapes and sizes, as well as degrees of complexity. It does not matter how complex or simple you want to go since this is what you learned after what you’ve been through (see, I promised you a starring role in this piece of writing. Here it is). So, what did you learn in your first season of gardening, or after the death of your father; what did you come to believe in that life of faith, or that process of recovery after sexual assault? What are you willing to say to us, your grateful readers, about the experience?
This is where that tried and true expression comes into play, that one you’ve heard but never really understood. What is it? Write what you know. It does not mean that you give us a diary-like account of what you experienced. It means you show us what you learned.
How? Here’s how.
How to Prove your Argument
You prove that argument by showing – not telling – your way through your tale. You know this expression, as well – show, don’t tell – and it has flummoxed you, hasn’t it? Here is how this works. Show us a series of scenes from you being a total Type A personality, making fun of everyone who meditates. Then show us you, hyperventilating in the ER and having the doctor diagnose a panic attack. Then show us that same doctor offering you two things: Medication or a lifestyle change. Ooh! A choice. Sounds like the end of Act One to me (though that is a whole different blog post, one that includes a section on why memoir is best told in three acts).
Show us you making that choice. Maybe you take the drugs, get addicted, struggle with that and only then try meditation. Maybe you try it and that monkey mind of yours swirls and leaps and torques all over the place — that is, until one day you get just a little hit of serenity. And whammo! You’re hooked! Show us.
And then show us life with meditation. And guess what? You’ve proved your argument.
Easy as that. Simple as one, two, three. When learning how to write memoir, make sure to include these three memoir essentials and you will succeed. Leave them out and, well, you know what happens. And we can’t have that, now can we?
Want more instruction on how to write memoir? That’s what I do. I’m a memoir coach. I also teach memoir. I’d love to teach you more.
- Here is a post on how to define memoir, literally answering the question, “What is a memoir?”
- Here is a post on how to beat writer’s block
- Here is a link to my twenty top tips for writing memoir
- Here is a link to my five insanely simple steps to planning a book
Enjoy. And don’t forget to leave a comment below on what you think your memoir is about. I’ll be glad to help you tighten it up. Go on. I’d love to get you writing.
Looking for some online memoir writing classes? I’ve got those, as well.
Getting out of your comfort zone can help you move through grief.
Mary: This is compact and clear. It is also very much a message that we need to hear. So, in Act One you would show us not only how to value who or what you lost, but also how you are staying in your comfort zone. In Act Two, that comfort zone fails to protect you, and you realize this mid-Act Two. And so you make a change which, at the end of Act Two, allows you to transcend your previous state. Act Three? Prove to us you are changed. And Voila!
My story is about the fact that kids are resilient, and it is never too late to inspire or influence them, illustrated by my story of growing up in the fifties with a mother who was emotionally abusive.
Yes, indeed. The resiliency of kids is a great topic, especially right now. So reword it so that you can prove it. What do you know within that statement “kids are resilient?” It’s about how the resiliency of kids can…as illustrated by my own late-in-life growth after being raised by an abusive mother, to be told in a book. Remember that the “what is it about” must be universal. Yours is. Just push it a bit.
Marion – How about this?
My memoir in verse is my story of coming of age and survival growing up in the 1950’s with a single mother who was unprepared for motherhood. It is my story of overcoming obstacles: loneliness, rejection, emotional neglect, and abuse in spite of my mother’s three marriages and frequent moves, My life is the evidence of the power of teachers to help their students transcend their problems through a love of learning.
Hi Paulette,
I’m no Marion (though I have read her book and taken her Memoirama 1 mini-course).
I can ‘hear’ her perhaps saying something like this back to you. At least it strikes me, based on what I’ve been learning from her, that your longer response is moving more in the direction of your plot sketch (possibly) and what she’s inviting you to do is to find that one, short, cliché-like phrase that is the language of a succinct universal.
I wonder if your universal ‘about’ statement might be:
“it’s about surviving and thriving against all odds”?
I’ve been learning that while our universals are cliché and ‘bumper sticker sounding’ (that’s what makes them ‘universal’), we will deeply personalize them in our own unique argument about that universal, shown, of course, in our own unique story that proves our argument.
Forgive me if I’m repeating things quite familiar to you.
Couldn’t resist jumping in here, especially as I see Marion has so many responses she likely can give each of us only a 1 shot response. Hooray for that!
All the best, Nj
I am so grateful for your advice, Marion. I thought a memoir was about me, my life and in chronological order. It was a lot of work, words and scenes, most not necessary or truly relevant to my argument. You showed me the way and it has also been a lot of work and killing of those things thought to be too dear and were not, they had to go!
I am sticking to your 3-Step Guide and 3 Acts and the memoir is coming to life, making a strong argument and showing the way, with less scenes and words too!
Thank You, Thank you, Thank you!
You are most welcome, Pam.
Me too – ditto! Isn’t it WONDERFUL to finally see our way through our own forests?
It’s about: “cheating death, second chances, and the power of kindness.” But that’s vague. “Life is better sober.” Eh. How about “If you don’t stop drinking you’re liable to end up with a failing liver and need a transplant and you don’t want to get that sick because it’s horrible to be that sick and people judge you because you did that to yourself and that’s humiliating and why do you deserve to even live?” That’s pretty broad. I cannot figure out which direction to focus on! I went through so many different aspects of this span of time (two years). Help.
Dear Rebecca:
Good for you. Life is better sober. Sobriety is not only about quitting drinking. What is it about? In the hard-drinking culture in which I was raised, what I noticed is that sobriety really involves unlearning the romance of alcohol. What did you learn? Your argument is what you know after what you’ve been through. It’s universal, as illustrated by you.
How in writing about my relationship with my grandmother I learned that she influenced my patience, my sense of loving affection, helped to form my faith, my love for humanity, even though as a mother to her own children she was impatient, more emotionally distant, anxious, depressed and critical (a daughter of the Depression). As her grandchild, I embraced her southern Italian heritage and learned Italian, even as her own children were not allowed to learn or speak the language growing up. Writing this book helps me to understand the bitterness in my mother (and as a result myself) and changes the way I mother my own children for the better.
Dear Elizabeth,
Welcome. So, let’s universalize that, shall we? Your plot line is clearly stated here. But your argument is not. Sometimes the skills we have on us to transcend what we encountered are offered from outside the family. So what is it you know about accepting outside help to create control over inside problems? Yes, your grandmother is family, but you are making a strong case for who may influence us. Some people have no one and get it from books or even movies. I’ve heard of people transcending this lives over a line read in a greeting card. It begins when and how it begins. So what do you know about that?
My story is about recognizing realities and adapting to them to survive, learn and grow, as illustrated by a week in Mali, Maldives assisting a friend in the hospital.
Dear Dana,
Which realities? Break that open. Hit it with a hammer and reveal which specific realities you refer to and this book will reveal itself to you.
The realities I recognized were that Mali is a strict Muslim nation. I arrived in attire suitable for a day at the beach. Hospitals there don’t have basic, standard equipment. They don’t care for the person only their medical needs, as they are able. I am an American Christian woman, unwelcome and alone. My friend died. I survived, and learned and changed.
I don’t know how to put all that into a concise universal argument.
This is a book I want to read!
thank you for the encouragement Linda Lee! Hopefully with the direction provided I will actually get it down on paper and out of my head!
Hello again Marion,
Wanting to get in on the conversations with you and others, I didn’t take enough time yesterday before replying. So I have reworked my argument as follows:
My story is about recognizing realities and adapting to them to survive, learn and change. These realities are that Mali, Maldives is a strict Muslim nation. Hospitals there don’t have basic, standard equipment. They don’t care for the person, only their medical needs, as they are able with the facilities. As an American woman, and a Christian, I was unwelcome and alone. My friend died. I survived, learned and changed. This will be illustrated by a story of spending a week in Mali assisting a friend in the hospital.
Is this universal enough to be a solid argument? I would appreciate any additional feedback. Thank you for your time.
Dear Dana,
So what you seem to be arguing something mighty about adaptation. Remember the dictum of memoir — that memoir is not about what you did. Memoir is about what you did with it. So we, the readers, are not reading for your specifics, though they are there in the tale. We are reading for your transformation so we might be informed about how we, too, might change. Are you arguing that adaptation allows for evolution? That’s what Darwin argued, didn’t he? If we allow ourselves to adapt, we can grow and survive. Keep it simple and you let us in to the story.
Hello again,
I’v spent days taking a hammer to my thoughts. I get that this story is not about me, not at all, it’s not about resilience or adapting.
This story is about my friend who died, about her assumptions regarding how and where she would die. She wanted to die on a beautiful cruise ship surrounded by friends. She was 6 weeks into a 4 month around the world trip, her 5th consecutive one. Her doctors had warned her that she wouldn’t make it back home. Indeed that ship sailed away without her. She died in a shabby ward surrounded by nurses in “al-khimar”. And this hospital didn’t acknowledge her advance care planning directives allowing her to pass as intended.
My purpose of writing this story is to persuade others who know they are ill to not travel by ship (my area of expertise as I’v worked on ships for almost 30 years). For many reasons, ships are not an alternative to nursing homes. This story is not a memoir.
I have loved going through the video’s and workbooks in this course. You are a talented teacher Marion. Thank you. The tools are well presented and encouraging. I believe they would apply to other kinds of stories, with adaptions, wouldn’t they?
Instead of continuing with this course, should I take your husband’s “How To Write Opinion Pieces: Op-eds, Radio Essays and Digital Commentary”?
Hi again.
Good for you for wanting to write with such intent. I applaud that whole-heartedly.
While we differ on how to construct it, we agree that you have a powerful tale.
And you do.
Now that I know what you are using to illustrate it — wow, what a tale — if you are writing a memoir, I suggest that your story is about how the what feels like the freedom of decision-making can sometimes result in bad decisions. Just because we can do some things does not always mean we should, yes?
If you are not in the tale at all, this is not a memoir. However, if you are in the tale and this is a cautionary story, it can be a memoir as long as it has an argument.
As to the last graph, which course are you referring to?
We’d welcome you in the op-ed course. You have a powerful statement to make here and one that would be wonderfully amplified by your story.
My original comment was a bit too cryptic, so a bit more flesh on the bones.
My memoir is about losing my husband and grief knocking me flat. I was desperate and terrified that I would always struggle to even rise in the morning. So I bought tiny motorhome, and embarked on a Sentimental Journey.
This was way out of my comfort zone because I had never camped, or traveled on my own other than as part of my work life. I did not practice, just bought the camper and began my journey, in part to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.
My first trip was one disaster after another, but I prevailed, and spent a year journeying to places that had been special to my husband and me, as well as to amazing new locations where I met fascinating people, many now dear friends.
I learned to take care of myself and confidently move forward, totally hooked on travel.
I love this extra information and we can see the book clearly now. See my original comment and write on.
Oh my goodness… I want to read this book!
To set this up with context, my grandfather died when I was eight and I’ve always felt an immense connection to him — I think a big reason lies in our similar struggles with depression and our refusal to be overcome by it. I was given 14 years of his diaries which I read cover to cover and discovered much I saw in myself and much I didn’t know about his life. But I struggle to put myself in this story as his life in these diaries takes place from 1971 to the year of his death in 1985. (I was born in 1977 and my memories during that time are faint)
And, by the way, is it memoir if my story is his as I know it by reading his diaries?
Assuming so, whether my story includes my own narrative or not, it is about a person’s mental survival by doing, and the steadfast refusal to sink.
That may be too understated. My grandfather had a top-secret government clearance, so he never sought professional help for his depression out of fear he would lose his clearance and his job. Instead, his therapy was a cross-country trip in an RV from Texas to Alaska with my grandmother, successfully designing and building an underground house and he was a contributing engineer to the NASA space program. He had setbacks along the way and eventually, it was determined that the likely cause of his mental state was 16 cancerous tumors on his brain that eventually took his life in 1985.
My life shares a similar theme but does not parallel by any stretch. His depression is presumably caused by an unknown-at-the-time illness. I had specific and big external reasons as to why mine developed as it did. And I did seek help through therapy. So if my own story is somehow woven in, it’s unclear to me how that would add anything to the story or smoothly connect.
So there you have it! I feel like I have the pieces and “maybe” a start on what this story is about – but am unsure on how to tell it since this story was discovered, and not fully my own. Any thoughts or advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you in advance for your time!
Dear Nicole,
This becomes memoir as you — and we, the readers — see your connection to him in your similar theme. If you write solely about him, it’s biography. If you include realizations about you, this can become a fine memoir. What fascinates me here is your dogged research, the only question being “why?” Was it your similar struggles with depression and, much like those who get hooked on genealogy, did you get attached to this tale via a similar pull, but this one more for information on your own health? That’s interesting. If so, you are writing a kind of adventure tale and one that needs an argument about finding answers and the relief they bring.
Thank you so much for your insight. Since I left this comment, I ordered your book “The Memoir Project” and have almost finished it. Your book and much of the content on this site has helped me start to formulate the “Why”. Because you’re right, I only have a distinct interest in knowing him and no one else in my lineage.
As for what it’s about:
Discovering the root of my depression so I may formulate my own cure to get out of it.
Then, using one of the formulations in your book I wrote the following for an argument:
“A sinking depression is hard unless you seek, and hold tight, a connection to pull yourself out.”
I think the diaries are a key component of that – but not the only illustration. This feels like I’m closer to a better direction — I think. Thoughts?
Wonderful job. The use of the “unless” there is perfect. That’s the beginning of Act Two. Unless. A great word for an argument.
Yay! Fantastic. Ok, on I go to work more on structure and vomit up my crappy first draft. :) I’ve signed up for your Memoirama in September. Really looking forward to it and can’t thank you enough for lending us your expertise in this forum!
My story is about facing my childhood trauma, and how allowing myself to be OK without family brought compassion.
This sounds similar to the book I am writing. I definitely want to read your memoir!
Oh wow! I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.
Dear Barbie:
Compassion is a fascinating topic, isn’t it? And when I have my word — the thing that interests me — what I do is go become an expert on that word. Start by looking up compassion in the dictionary. Then read everything you can on it and its antonyms in the Thesaurus. Then read up online on good publication like Psychology Today on what compassion is and how it works. Broaden your knowledge, as well as your language, on your topic and you will find it broadens the base of your argument. Go get ’em.
Best,
Marion
Thanks Marion! I’ve researched nearly every other theme in my memoir, but this one, because this one is about moi.
My memoir is about becoming my own best life advocate as illustrated by my recurring epilepsy from childhood through adulthood. This caused me to seek resources helping find the medical root cause of my condition and practices such as therapy, yoga and meditation which keep me on a healthy path physically, mentally and psychologically..
Becoming our own best advocate is a topic we never tire of. What you seem to be arguing is in favor of medical self-advocacy. Argue it strongly and show us great examples of where it got you. Good luck.
My book is about authenticity as told through my journey between myth and reality in the American landscape and beyond after discovering I was a black market adoptee.
Wow. What more can you say about authenticity? What do you know about it that is unique to your experience? I want you to succeed with this, so were we working one-on-one I would push you hard about what, within authenticity, you actually know that most of us do not. Start by drinking a HUGE amount of caffeine (kind of kidding here) and slamming down 10 or 20 sentences about what you know about authenticity. Then put them in the order you learned them. Then see if after reading them you have one, big cosmic thing to say as a result and use that fabulous list as your outline.
Marion – I have enjoyed the online classes taken so far… but still struggling to pin point these. Look forward to any thoughts…
Basically about my co-dependency – here are some ideas for my plot line, argument and XYZ….
When faced with my daughters addition and abusive relationship, I became addicted to saving her and in the end lost myself, faced my own flaws and behaviors until I learned to detach with love so I could save myself and our family.
Detatching with love was necessary to survive my daughters addiction….
Its about detaching with love, as illustrated by my daughters addiction and abuse, the chaos is brought to our family and my co-dependency and depression, to be told in a book.
Oh yes. Detaching with love. This is such a needed topic in this world. Much like my answer to Catherine, I suggest you slam down 10 or 20 sentences about what you know about detaching with love. Then put them in the order you learned them. Then see if after reading them you have one, big cosmic thing to say as a result. That’s your argument. Then use that fabulous list as your outline.
It’s never too late to change your lifestyle and get the body you want. (A weight loss memoir about losing 50lbs in my forties)
Yes. Yes. Yes.
And yes.
Perfect.
Thank you for giving of your own time and offering your valuable advice to us all
You are most welcome. It’s my pleasure as well as an honor to unleash all these writers on the world with far better arguments. Yipppeeeee, right?
LOVE IT, Marion ! :-) :-) :-)
It is about how, when you’ve been emotionally damaged as a child, you can discover your own path to self-acceptance and validation, as told in a book.
Dear Joan,
How kind of you to offer such candor.
I think this is true. And much-needed in this world.
Make sure to let us all into this tale by keeping your message universal and your scenes specific to you.
We do so by showing, not telling, our way through the tale.
Go get ’em.
Best,
Marion
Thanks so much, Marion.
I may be ahead of myself here, but I am working on my 3 W’s and wondered if you might have any thoughts about what I am considering, as follows:
Argument:
You will not find inner peace and self-acceptance/ until you realize that other people are not the ones you need/ to define your own unique brand of success and beauty.
Algorithm:
It is about how, when you’ve been emotionally damaged as a child, you can discover your own path to self-acceptance and validation, as told in a book.
Plot Line:
I was raised by a mother who demonstrated contempt and disapproval of my temperament and physical appearance, causing anxiety and injury to my body-image and self-esteem, and only by pursuing a successful medical rehabilitation career, developing my artistic talents, and becoming a mother myself, have I learned to quiet the inner voice of my mother.
Thank you for this article! It makes so much sense.
My story is about how just going through the checklist of life will not automatically lead you to happiness.
My plan is to talk about my experience with checking off all of the boxes (degree, job, marriage, baby) and realizing I’m far from happy, pinpointing the issues, working through forgiveness and perfectionism, and redefining happy.
Based on your blog post, I’d say:
Act 1 is the process of doing everything I’m supposed to do and my addiction to perfectionism. Until I had a massive meltdown due to my little baby throwing all of my imperfections in my face and making me realize that it was time to drop the act.
Act 2- My perfectionism failed to give me happiness. Seeking validation only led to more pain and severe anxiety. Ignoring my issues with family just fueled my pain and caused me to reject myself. I realized the real work is emotionally and not checkboxes that everyone told me to do.
Act 3- My imperfections are out in the spotlight. I’ve stopped my anxiety in its tracks and become much more centered (less reactive). My relationships are totally different but I’ve stopped yearning for the impossible. I feel empowered in my life instead of like everyone’s puppet.
How’s that?
“Checklist perfectionism” is my new favorite term. I get it. Wow, do I get it.
Yes. Write it.
The theme for my memoir, Growing Up Crazy, is that you are never too broken to heal. All you need is at least one compassionate person who cares, and the determination to never give up on yourself.
Yes. You are never too broken to heal. Nicely done. And that one compassionate person is a fabulous step along the way. Exactly right. Prove your argument using that person as a major plot point and the book will be a wonder. Write on.
DJ says,
My story is about my two sons – one with Schizophrenia and the other with Bipolar.
My argument is how to hold on to help them, yet let go of the confusion, the chaos.
The scenes show how to save myself from losing myself in the process and how a book helped me let go.
Your argument seems to be in how we cannot help others unless we keep ourselves intact.
It’s illustrated by your story of your good work with your sons.
Nicely done.
My story is about finding peace and calm in the midst of chronic health problems and pain, illustrated by my search for spiritual and reflection practices.
Yes. good. Show us how to find peace and calm, never losing sight of the fact that the readers want to achieve the same.
Thank you, Marion! I’d like to begin with the search, show what I found, and end with examples and a “how to” section of the actual practices I am using.
Sounds very good to me.
Marion
I am writing a collection of stories (memoir) that are connected by a theme of a dress. For example: A Little Black Dresss is about learning compassion illustrated by scenes from growing up in a funeral home. I made a chart to clearly show what each one is about, the argument and scenes. It has helped me focus on each story. Some tales could flow into the next story but each can stand alone. Since this is a collection of pieces, do I need an argument for the entire collection? Or do I just continue answering the what is this about? Argument and scenes approach individually. I did write an introduction to the collection.
Dear Linda,
I love this idea.
You do need an overarching argument for a collection, as well as a sense of the cumulative — that we are learning something along the way.
What are you saying about our relationship to our clothes?
Marion,
Thanks for these wonderful comments and for your online courses.
I am not doing a typical book, but a collection of stories, all memoir, which will hopefully make up a book.
Could you respond to my question about forming an argument for a collection?
Here’s what I have so far:
What is this collection about?
How I recall life lessons by the memory of a dress. I have a wardrobe of life lessons told through 17 stories. (ex: judgment, learning compassion, etc. – each piece has it’s own argument and one word answer to the question, what is this about?
My argument: Dresses hold the memories. Dresses have been like a black box recording the flight data on my journey through life.
The introduction to the collection develops that argument in two paragraphs.
I didn’t see a reply to the first post from Saturday. Thank you.
Clothes hold many secrets, aspirations, memories and more. I love that. But keep in mind that arguments must be universal, so get yourself out of it. Remember that we are reading for our own transformation based on your experience.
Moving Between the Lines: A Black Market Baby, A Motorcycle, A Quest for Pieces of Real, is about authenticity and interconnection as told through my journey through the myth and reality in the American landscape and beyond after I discovered I was a black market adoptee.
See my comments on your other comment. I think these overlapped.