How To Write Your Memoir: A 3-Step Guide
It’s said that good things happen in threes. That’s even true for knowing how to write memoir. Photo by Etienne Steenkamp on Unsplash
THERE ARE THREE MUST-HAVE COMPONENTS TO ANY PIECE OF MEMOIR, and knowing what they are will instantly allow you to get to work writing well. Master these, and you can have a writing life. It’s as simple as that, though it’s worth saying that if you want to learn how to write memoir and you ignore these, you do so at your own peril. Include them, and you can have that writing life you dream of. Omit them, and you risk writing and writing and writing without ever getting anyone else interested in your work. And who wants that?
So, what are they? I’ve got them right here. The three essentials to any piece of memoir. They are:
- The answer to the question “What is this about?”
- Your argument
- The scenes from your life that you will deploy to prove that argument
What Is This About?
Knowing what your work is about means knowing the difference between your universal theme and your plot line. This is an essential distinction for anyone learning how to write memoir. Your essay/op-ed/book is about the first — a universal theme. The second, your plot line, is the story you tell to illustrate what big universal thing your story is about.
“Oh no,” you are saying right now. “My story is about me.” Not if you want anyone to read it, it’s not. It’s not about you. You’re there. You’re present. We could not do this without you. But you are not what the story is about. The story is about something universal and – and here you come – you are its illustration.
So what’s your story about? Go on, leave a comment below, and take a crack at it, and I’ll reply with some feedback.
What’s Your Argument?
Every piece of non-fiction is an argument. This does not mean that you are argumentative or that you have to scream, shout or implore in your piece. Simply put, your argument is what you know after something you’ve been through – say, that peace can be found in your own backyard, or that meditation really does slow down that monkey mind of yours, or that grief is a process that must be gone through slowly, or else you are destined to stay in it forever.
Just like people, arguments come in all shapes and sizes, as well as degrees of complexity. It does not matter how complex or simple you want to go since this is what you learned after what you’ve been through (see, I promised you a starring role in this piece of writing. Here it is). So, what did you learn in your first season of gardening, or after the death of your father; what did you come to believe in that life of faith, or that process of recovery after sexual assault? What are you willing to say to us, your grateful readers, about the experience?
This is where that tried and true expression comes into play, that one you’ve heard but never really understood. What is it? Write what you know. It does not mean that you give us a diary-like account of what you experienced. It means you show us what you learned.
How? Here’s how.
How to Prove your Argument
You prove that argument by showing – not telling – your way through your tale. You know this expression, as well – show, don’t tell – and it has flummoxed you, hasn’t it? Here is how this works. Show us a series of scenes from you being a total Type A personality, making fun of everyone who meditates. Then show us you, hyperventilating in the ER and having the doctor diagnose a panic attack. Then show us that same doctor offering you two things: Medication or a lifestyle change. Ooh! A choice. Sounds like the end of Act One to me (though that is a whole different blog post, one that includes a section on why memoir is best told in three acts).
Show us you making that choice. Maybe you take the drugs, get addicted, struggle with that and only then try meditation. Maybe you try it and that monkey mind of yours swirls and leaps and torques all over the place — that is, until one day you get just a little hit of serenity. And whammo! You’re hooked! Show us.
And then show us life with meditation. And guess what? You’ve proved your argument.
Easy as that. Simple as one, two, three. When learning how to write memoir, make sure to include these three memoir essentials and you will succeed. Leave them out and, well, you know what happens. And we can’t have that, now can we?
Want more instruction on how to write memoir? That’s what I do. I’m a memoir coach. I also teach memoir. I’d love to teach you more.
- Here is a post on how to define memoir, literally answering the question, “What is a memoir?”
- Here is a post on how to beat writer’s block
- Here is a link to my twenty top tips for writing memoir
- Here is a link to my five insanely simple steps to planning a book
Enjoy. And don’t forget to leave a comment below on what you think your memoir is about. I’ll be glad to help you tighten it up. Go on. I’d love to get you writing.
Looking for some online memoir writing classes? I’ve got those, as well.
My memoir answers the question, “what does it mean to recover from a stroke?” It shows me moving from believing I am damaged goods to believing that I can still lead a full life. Right now I am trying to tighten up my scenes so they adhere to that theme and that argument–show what I need to show and lose the dreck.
Dear Deb,
So what do you know about recovery? How would you finish the sentence: “Recovery requires…,” or “true recovery includes…,” or “To recover, we must…”? What do you know about the true nature of recovery? I know you know something I want to learn. So don’t just tell us your tale, but show it to us with a universal theme in mind and we’ll be enthralled.
Go get ’em.
Best,
Marion
My book is about how kids of divorce can stop being victims by growing up to forgive their parents, deal with the pain and be better for it in the end.
Do we all get a reply? Or was that just good for the first day?
So your book is about forgiveness. Now give me a full sentence on the nature of forgiveness and what it provides. Use my algorithm — it’s about x as illustrated by y to be told in a z — and move “forgiveness” in the x spot and fill in the rest and see what happens.
Forgiveness means freedom. Freedom to love and not live a closed off life of anger and self protection. I don’t have to live as a victim of someone’s else choices or as a closed off person for fear of being hurt again. I am free to be who I am and not who I think I should be to get the love of my parents or somehow get them back together.
It’s about forgiveness, told by my (rather messy and yet blessed) path to forgiving my dad for leaving our family as told in a book.
It’s about the freedom that forgiveness provides as illustrated by my path to forgiving my father for leaving our family as told in a book. See how that differentiates you in the market by showing us what you, specifically, know about forgiveness? Nice job.
I love it! I see the difference! What I really Love is the idea of my PATH to forgiveness bc it’s not something that happened all at once and I still have many times where I need to keep forgiving. Recovery from trauma is definitely not linear!
Any suggestions on structuring acts 1, 2 and 3 since it’s not very linear? I came up with
Act1: experience my dad leaving at age 2, which led to anger, perfectionism, inordinate attachments to people.
Act 2: had an awakening in college in which I truly started down the path to forgiveness- a path of healing. Include scenes which led me to different times of forgiveness. (I was thinking of doing that exercise you suggested to someone else abiut writing down all i learned about forgiveness and then putting it in chronological order)
Act 3: I’m married now with kids of my own and able to continue to forgive and apply all I’ve learned. I can have a relationship with my dad without it controlling my life and I can let go more and more everyday of all those negative habits I developed to protect myself.
They all seem to merge in my mind. Mostly the second and third since j feel like I’m still applying all of this daily.
My story is about God’s provision in times of great turmoil as illustrated by a relative’s escape from Lithuania during WWII (and her eventual immigration to Canada).
I wrote one draft before I found about you, Marion, and am now trying to rework it.
My problem now is I think I have too much action, too many scenes. I’ve been told I need more refection, more context.
Any thoughts on this or my what-it’s-about statement?
Thanks for doing this.
Good for you, Brooke. What a fine idea. Now be more specific. What is it God prides in times of great turmoil? Is your argument a very simple one — God will provide? Perhaps it is. As to those many scenes, remember that we want to be cumulative in a book, meaning that each scene must build on the one before. We are reading the scenes not for the action, but for what they teach us. Too many scenes undoubtedly means you have repeated some themes with different actions. Go through each scene and ask yourself what it tells the reader, see which repeat some themes and cull from there.
My loving mother was erased from my life after my parents’ divorce when I was four years old (parental alienation). My memoir is about becoming our own good mother in order to heal and thrive, no matter the trauma or poor parenting we have experienced. Love of self, choice by choice, is the way to be whole. (and boy did it take me a long time to really figure this out!)
*It is also about identity; choice by choice, we uncover our authentic selves, even after loss and neglect.
There’s your argument: Choice by choice, we recover our authentic selves.
Act One: What’s at stake. Loss and neglect
Act Two: What you tried. How you learned to choose.
Act Three: What worked. Your authentic self reappears.
A belated thank you, Marion! I look forward to taking your memoirama classes in September in order to more successfully turn my first draft into a better draft. Originally, I thought my argument was about parental alienation; In my essays, I’ve been a voice for the alienated child & I’ve received so many messages from alienated parents desperate to reconnect w/ the beloved children they’ve ‘lost’ since divorcing a vengeful narcissistic/borderline ex. However, I don’t think that is a universal topic.
Thanks again!
Dana Laquidara
Dear Dana,
Alienation in this crazy world happens in so many ways, from the smallest to the most profound. We see it in restaurants with both members of a couple being on there phones instead of talking; we see it on the border as families are separated. We see it and yet we don’t always know what we think except in the immediate — that it’s wrong. But what more do we know? What there the effects? What is created within it? You are writing about alienation and your assignment is to write what you know so no matter what sort of alienation I might be thinking about, I see the fullness of your experience informing my questions. Go get ’em. There could not be a more vibrant, or needed, topic right now.
Oooh. See my reply to your next comment.
Hello Marion…
My book is about developing conversation, curiosity and question asking skills. These skills will take you anywhere you want to go, personally and professionally. Life is better and more rewarding when you engage in meaningful conversation.
This is based on my thirty year plus career as a professional interviewer in business and in broadcasting.
Oh, you are so very right: Life is better and more rewarding when you engage in meaningful conversation. Yes, indeed.
So prove it and you’ll have a fine book and, in turn, get your grateful readers talking.
Thank you for this. I am finally writing again after your last webinar. However, I’m still confused. My memoir is about one of the following:
-We create our own misery
-Hands-off parenting has both benefits and costs
-Children will fill in their gaps of understanding and accept them as truth
-We hurt each other because we love each other
-The grass always seems greener on the other side
-It is not wise to compare our insides with other people’s outsides- we will always feel lacking
Or are these the arguments? Do I need to pick one of the above to focus on? Thanks.
Dear Ann,
These are a sightly list of things you know after what you’ve been through and if you put them in the order in which you learned them you’ll have a marvelous outline for a book, writing to each one of these, illustrating each with scenes. But the overall argument here is still missing, I think. What is the big, universal thing you now know after what you’ve been through? I think it’s linked to the first one — how we create our own misery. Can you finish that thought? If it’s true we create our own misery, can we create our own way out of that misery? Can we create our own joy? As soon as we learn that we’ve created our own misery is it a turning point for us to realize that we can therefore create our own joy? What do you know?
Thank you so much! I have been pondering this deeply over the last few days. Yes, I like the idea of the overarching theme being “We create our own misery, but once we understand this we make room for joy”. The only problem is, I was going to write about vignettes from my childhood, (as framed by specific rooms in the historic home I grew up in during the 70’s), but I didn’t learn this overarching message until I was in my 40’s. As a kid, I was just surviving and trying to raise my brother in a bizarre household (very much like
“Running with Scissors”). So now I feel stuck- do I need the overarching thing to be learned during the period focused on? Thanks again.
Hi again.
No, Anna, you do not have to have all the realization take place at the time of the action.
Many things are not learned until years later, and that gap is easily provided for when we remember that we are writing on a theme, not on a timeline of small events.
You simply need to inform us of how and when we learn what we do — in your case, years later — and apply that learning.
Whew! Thanks!
I am writing about belonging, as told through the story of having cancer treatment as a newly single expat in Beijing, China.
Dear Heather,
What about belonging can you share with us. You’ll see in these comments I use the phrase “return on investment”(ROI) a great deal. What is the ROI for your sense of belonging? What did it do for you? How did it heal you? Work on this a bit and you’ll get a fine argument.
What do you think of this argument, Marion?
Going through life trying to conform to the expectations of others exacts a high price.
It most certainly does. So, what is your return on investment (ROI) of learning this, Paulette? That’s your Act Three.
My memoir is about becoming my own best life advocate in finding the root cause of recurring epilepsy from childhood to adulthood with a specialized medical team and resources such as Yoga, meditation, and individual therapy to help me find balance physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually.
Dear Mary,
Many thanks for this brave offering.
Ah, what strength and power you exhibit here. We immediately want to know how this happens, specifically asking ourselves how we can become our own best advocate. So show us that process of realizing that you needed to, that you could, and that you did just that and what happens when you do.
Thank you for this fabulous opportunity Marion! My memoir is about fully loosing myself to my husband’s rare and horrific type of dementia.
Dear Katherine,
How wonderful to see you here. I remember you well, as well as the complex story your are writing.
So what happens when we lose ourselves? What are you saying about that in terms of what we lose and how? And what keeps us going? Caregiving is a huge burden for millions. Share the story and you unite humanity in ways many of us thought we could never be reached.
Oh Marion how lovely you remember me! I am so grateful to you for these opportunities to get your feedback. I am learning a great deal reading others’ ideas and your responses. Very generous of you.
I lost my ability to write and fortunately it is back. I am scheduling two hours a day to take advantage of all the resources you have on your website for us. Thank you sincerely.
You are most welcome.
Thank you for your continued readership.
Best,
Marion
I want to write a memoir about how favoritism in families affect children.
Ah, yes. What a good topic. Now hit that with a hammer, specifically the word “affects” and get specific in your argument so you give yourself every chance of succeeding. What are those effects and in what order do they happen? Make a list and then read it though, adding to it as you think of new ways we direct the behavior in a family with favoritism, and then write one, universal, over-arching sentence that argues something about this.
Using new adventures to blast back to me.
Dear Jene,
I love the action in this — specifically, the “blast back to me” aspect. Good energy. So what do we get when we find ourselves? Make sure your argument is universal and encourages us to think about what the return on investment (ROI) is of doing so.
Thank you for coming by.
Best,
Marion
Marion,
Thanks for the feedback. I’ve signed up for Memoirama for September and would like to write my first draft over the summer.
My memoir will be about the conflict of my inauthentic self who married the wrong man for me because I was buying into the package of what was expected of me. Then I was unable to break free because my values demanded I hold the family together. And the authentic self who came to life when I got a Hall Pass (I think that may be my working title) when my husband of 25 years walked out.
Twenty-seven months followed where I ran from adventure to adventure flushing out who is the real me. And then, low and behold, the love of my life plopped down right in front of me.
So maybe,
“It is never too late to find your authentic self and thus find the love you’ve been yearning for all your life.”
I’d love your feedback.
Jene
My memoir is a series of essays about incidents that have shown me that I have everything inside me to live my life- that is Divine Feminine Intuiton.
Dear Martha,
There are few story lines better than ones that argue that we have on us all the time everything we need to get home. It’s the basis of one of the world’s favorite tales — that of Dorothy of OZ, a tale whose endurance is spectacular. So yes. Write it.
People are born with the inherent desire to belong to a loving, supportive family, but even with the best foundation, many families drift apart and lose connection when siblings become adults. I believe it’s possible to stay close and maintain vibrant, healthy relationships forever, but it takes determination and intentionality.
I want to write a memoir for my family (consisting of five grown sons and their families) about our efforts to work together to prove it can be done and brothers and in-laws can indeed succeed in maintaining unity. I hope to demonstrate how five competitive, entrepreneurial, combative, fun-loving sons with their equally capable wives and children still function in harmony.
Ah, a memoir about the joy of family harmony. A rare gift, indeed. So, show us what harmony is and what it does for you and, in turn, you will be arguing something about why the pursuit of harmony is a good one. Go get ’em. And thank you for leaving this fine comment.
Marion, thank you for your insights.
Here’s what I believe my memoir is about: Whether parents, siblings, religious leaders, teachers, coaches, or friends — the people you admire and seek admonition from and (perhaps) model your life after are not superhuman; they are human; they are flawed. Love them. Listen to them. But learn to make decisions for yourself.
Yes, this makes sense. Now try writing it out in one, concise argument that you can put up on your wall and look to every day as you write. For me, this would be something about discernment which, for me, is among the greatest of human qualities. Something like: Discernment, above all else, will guide you through life with others. That way, the discernment covers all of it and, in Act Three, you can show us that the return on investment of discernment is learning to pick and choose among those human qualities you are exposed to but that ultimately the goal is to learn to make your own choices.
Marion, I believe I posted my memoir’s theme and not the illustration.
The theme is illustrated through my specific experiences during middle school and high school in a church and church school. It follows me from last days in sixth grade to my first day at college.
Dear Marion,
I hammered away at the topic. I hope you can help me shape this a little more. Here are my thoughts after reflecting a while.
How did favoritism in my family affect me?
I was confused about why my grandparents favored my cousins over me and my brother.
My feelings were hurt, and I worked harder at trying to please my grandparents, but nothing I did was ever good enough.
I felt unworthy, inferior and the lower I sunk, the more love and special treatment the cousins received.
I felt like an outsider.
Desperate for approval, I tried harder to win their love, but I didn’t succeed.
My confidence waned, and I became more insecure around the extended family. My brother showed signs of the same. Neither of us bonded with the offenders, and we became more distant.
My parents harped about the favoritism and pointed out the obvious. These little reminders chipped away at me more.
I became resentful toward my grandparents and toward the cousins for a while, though it wasn’t the cousins’ fault.
My immediate family was alienated from the extended family. We were excluded from outings and activities.
The offenders never changed their ways. The attempts to bond with my grandmother after childhood failed.
Possible arguments:
Just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean they will like you.
When grandparents don’t like their own children, they won’t necessarily like their children’s offspring either.
If you were branded a black sheep, it doesn’t mean you were the bad one.
You may never completely understand why relatives favored others, but in the end, it was their short-coming, not yours. There is a limit to how much love some people can give because of their own bias or prejudice.
Did I miss the point?
Hi Ellen, not sure if you’ll want someone else’s two cents here.
Perhaps it’s not that you’ve missed the point, but that you’re still hammering it out, distilling it down, til you find that one – cliché sounding – universal. Then, you take that statement and work it into your own personal argument or spin on it.
For myself, I’m finding that takes a lot of hammer whacking. Every time I think “I’ve got it” I realize, a few days later, there’s more whacking to be done. Each whack gets me closer to the kind of classy distillation that this two sided universal (about) and my personal argument requires.
Hi Naomi,
Any advice is welcome. How do I know when I’m done hammering? There are dozens of scenes from my experiences that will demonstrate the emotions garnered from the effect of favoritism. A cliche argument everyone can identify with might be grandparent or parents who practice favoritism rob their children/ grandchildren of happy childhood memories and cheat themselves out of loving bonds.
Hi again Ellen. I’m certainly no expert. Just on the beginning learning curve here myself, too.
A couple comments may help a bit:
1. The ‘cliche’ simple statement is for your “About” sentence (not your argument). This will be VERY simple and it will be a universal. Often, it’s only a short phrase.
“Favoritism in families leaves bad affects” isn’t it. It still doesn’t – to me — have the ‘universal ring to it’ yet. But think with that kind of simplicity and you’ll eventually get to it.
2. Your argument statement is the one where your own personal twist on the simple cliché is presented.
I heard Marion say that it took someone she was working with about 6 months to iron out her “About” and her “Argument” statements.
In my experience, these don’t come lightly or quickly.
Understandably so. We have SO MUCH in our noggins about our own stories. It’s hard for us to see, or get to, the universal simplicity that’s buried in their depths somewhere, waiting for us to discover. And then focus on,as one of the 2 main GPS points of our whole project.
TIPS: Marion’s Memoirama II or her Write Your Story course (new one) offer a lot more guidance on this majorly important area.
I also found Jennie Nash’s talks (you can sign up for a free mini email course – “Blueprint”) or take her longer course on Creative Live, also of parallel /complimentary content to Marion’s line of excellent thought.
Hope this helps a wee bit?
I think you have to be patient with this one. The golden nectar hidden behind all the scenes and intensities of our stories doesn’t give itself up quickly.
All the best!
Ellen, here’s my universal “about”.
“it’s about a woman’s longing for freedom”
(she dreams of freedom from her estranged husband, when that freedom is only possible via death)
It only took me about 10 layers/stabs to get to it. Grin.
ps – the bracketed material is neither my universal nor my argument. I just added it in for reference sake.
Thank you Naomi. I guess this process can’t be rushed. I thought I understood what to do but it’s much harder than I thought.
Naomi,
Your comments to Ellen are helpful to all. Thanks for sharing them.
Act 1 Ambitious and naive female civil engineer moved to Australia, found a job and hoped to get ahead. After 12 years of efforts and struggling and not getting anywhere, she decided to change careers only to find her new career on naturopathy would not earn much and by then she was 50 and financially in bad shape.
Act 2 She went back to engineering without expecting much for her career but to save money for retirement. Through different jobs and bullying, she educated herself about how to save and invest.
Act 3 While working on her new goal of financial independence, she got redundant by her bully bosses. To her surprise, she realized she achieved her second goal.
Thank you, Marion, for your help.
In Act Two, she also seems to have educated herself on how to defect/redirect the bullying and turn it into power.
Right on. And write on. Nicely done.
Thank you for your reply and all the best with your own writing Marion.
You are most welcome. Thanks for the kind wishes on my work.
Let’s all write well.
Dear Marion,
Thank you so much for the opportunity.
Here is my idea:
It’s about defining the meaning of life for yourself, as illustrated by my first 30 years of life frantically searching outside myself and missing life before accepting this, to be told in a book.
Act 1: What’s at stake. Emptiness and overwhelmedness
Act 2: What I tried. How I learned to provide meaning for my life
Act 3: What worked. I am living my life
I see what it is about. But what’s your argument? To answer that, consider what is the return on investment (ROI) of you defining the meaning of life for yourself? When you know that, you’ll have your argument.
Defining the meaning of life for myself gives me the freedom from anxiety and to live fully and outside of my head
Great. Now just make it universal — take yourself out of it — and you’ve got it. See the difference?
I think I do.
Defining the meaning of life for yourself, instead of waiting for it to appear, frees you from anxiety and to live fully outside your head.
Thanks!
My pilgrimage memoir has 2 universals: my own and God’s (His is an overarching biblical universal)
Mine: it’s about a woman’s longing for freedom
(she dreams of freedom from her estranged husband, when freedom is not possible except via death)
God’s: it’s about the quality of Life inherent in His kingdom
(a life quality found only on the far side of the cross)
Possible Argument: Hmmm…hadn’t got that far
Possibly: God’s goals for us, though immeasurably more costly than our own, net immeasurably greater results than anything we could ever dream
Dear Naomi:
I love this last offering.
I’m not sure I know what you mean by costly, so clear that up.
It seems like a huge realization and a major plot point in the story.
But I think you’ve got a book here.
Best,
Marion
I don’t expect Marion to be back again. She’s already given us all so much here. But for the record’s sake, my further distillation.
My pilgrimage memoir has 2 universals: my own and God’s (His is an overarching biblical universal).
Mine: it’s about a woman’s longing for freedom
(she dreams of freedom from her estranged husband, when that freedom is only possible via death)
God’s: It’s about the availability of resurrection power—the kind that only exists on the far side of the cross
Argument: God’s goals for us, though immeasurably different than our own and often arduous to connect with, net immeasurably greater outcomes than anything we’d imagine
Thanks for the push Marion!
NEXT DAY
I’ve been protecting and carrying this story’s seed for 20 years. It finally got inseminated last night. As I worked out its proper argument, in response to your comments, the sperm and the egg met. This baby’s cells can finally start multiplying.
Exhilaration: I’M PREGNANT!
Deep thanks Marion for your huge part in this. Ever since Jeff Goins mentioned your name, things have, at last, started to happen.
Congratulations!
Yipppeeeeee!
I will proudly wear those stretch marks.
Best,
Marion