Family on its Way? Seven Successful Secrets for Capturing them in Memoir
IT ARRIVES FOUR TIMES EACH YEAR. You think I mean the seasons changing, don’t you? Nope. Not that. Or, more to the point, all that plus this one other altogether totemic quarterly moment that happens in each of those seasonal shifts. You know what this is. I mean those four basic times each year that memoir writers are given ample opportunities to take notes. After all, in every season there is a family get-together opportunity — new year, spring religious holidays, summer celebrations and the time of harvest — so get out your notebooks, writers: Your family is on its way to your holiday table. How to write about family? I’ve got some hot tips.
Just like the first sighting of snow, or the return of the bad gift, each time you see them carries with it some anticipation – or dread – of gathering together. So how about we drop the dread this year? How about we assume that all will go well, at least in terms of the writing? It can, you know — if you are prepared.
Each year occur an extraordinary number of opportunities for you to observe your family in action. Just like the candied bumble bees in that holiday fruit cake (those are candied bumble bees, yes?), you’ve got material coming your way. The only question is, what are you going to do with it?
First and foremost, you’re going to do these four things.
- You’re going to be hospitable, both with your guests as well as with your material
- You’re not going to serve up your basic fare
- You’re not going to be intimidated by others’ versions of what goes on
- Treat these rules like you do your grandmother’s holiday china, and who knows what might happen.
You might:
- Learn a little something about the role of humility in memoir
- Come away with a new rule for living your life
- Come away with a new Jell-O recipe
Happy holidays, memoir writers. Enjoy every minute. And take notes.
Do you have any advice for writing about the people in your life when they are really touchy and prone to take offense. For example, I tell a story about one of my sisters who was a stubborn handful and how for a while my parents took two cars when we went out to eat so they could take her home when she acted up. The point of the story is about how some kids are more resistant to correction than others. I was told that it offends my sister and my parents. I also made the mistake once of saying that this happened for years which is complete hyperbole. It only happened for a couple of months. I was told that my hyperbole compounded the offense.
I also have a lot of people I love who have treated me in ways which were not kind, to say the least. Some of these things are central to my story. Everything is long forgiven and I would never make someone out to be a bad guy. It’s too simplistic if nothing else. But there is an element of hanging dirty laundry out that I haven’t been able to get around. And the truth is that as a writer, I see people with a keener eye than they are comfortable with anyways. And obviously, they are touchy. If they are upset that I tell a story about a hard to discipline kid, I’m thinking that it wouldn’t go over well to write anything about the time my dad found out I had been sexually assaulted and responded by getting 3″ from my face and screaming, called me a (expletive deleted) and was so threatening I told him I would call the cops if he laid a finger on me. But my story is mine as well and I often feeling like I’m working in a straightjacket. Any tips? Suggestions? Thoughts?
HI, Rebecca.
Welcome to the blog.
My advice always is never to read your work to family. Period. And I broaden that to include never seeking editorial advice from someone on whom you depend for food, shelter or sex. I talk a lot about he consequences of writing memoir, and have written about it extensively in my new book. But the advice boils down to what I just offered, and what I offer here in this blog post.
Where are they reading this? On a blog? In print in magazines or books?
Always remember that the truth is the best defense, and if you are telling the truth, the only offer you can make when a sister (or anyone else) says, “It didn’t happen that way,” is to offer. “You’re right. It didn’t happen that way to you“.
Good luck.
Why not use a pseudonym?
I also like Marion’s suggestion: keep it to yourself as you’re working on it. The catharsis of putting memories into words might bring new perspectives to you and maybe even help heal some painful memories.
Hi, Careen:
Of course you can use a pseudonym, if you like, but know why you are doing it.
Hoping your writing goes well.
Best,
Marion