COVID HAS US ALL STREAMING, WATCHING and re-watching our favorite shows. In that rewatching you have a marvelous opportunity to learn huge lessons about writing memoir. How? Because you probably remember the plot of each piece, which frees you up, this time through, to look for lessons in how the writers cue you to what the story is about. After all, the first step in telling a story is knowing what that story needs to say.
In my COVID binge, I have spent a considerable amount of time not only watching, but arguing with people about Fleabag. I’ll leave it to you whether or not you like the show, but specifically the argument I keep having centers on what the show is about.
As a memoir coach and book editor, I speak to writers about this topic all day long, and always suggest that the first step to telling a story is to consider what it might be about. You’ve got the tale in your head, after all. You know the details. What is it about? That’s the key to making it work.
Fleabag gives us a fine place to have this discussion, though before you get all up and angry — which, for some reason, people seem to do on the topic of this show — let me short-circuit this here by saying that the show is no more about a woman behaving badly than Moby Dick is about a big, old, white fish.
If knowing what your tale is about is the first step in telling a story, that consideration is of prime importance. I would argue that knowing what your work is about is the difference between getting it done and never finishing it, the difference between having readers and not, the big kahuna, the whole enchilada, the whale of the thing — and that it’s one you can master.
Simply put, your first step in telling a story is to establish the difference between your universal theme and your plot line. This is an essential distinction for anyone learning how to write memoir. Your essay/op-ed/book is about the first — a universal theme. The second, your plot line, is the story you use to illustrate what big universal thing your story is about.
“Oh no,” you are saying right now. “My story is about me.” Not if you want anyone to read it, it’s not. It’s not about you. You’re there. You’re present. We could not do this without you. But you are not what the story is about. The story is about something universal and – and here you come – you are its illustration.
What is Fleabag about? Grief. Her behavior stems from her grief and not the other way around. Haven’t seen the show? Try it now with that lens on the end of your nose and see if it gets you past what some people object to — her behavior. Try it now and think back to your own grief and what you did. Never slept around? Okay. Never behaved badly? Okay. What did you do? We’ve all been in grief. Hold that in your heart and think about the ways you would show that grief if you wanted to be mind-shreddingly honest about grief and how it directs us until we get out of its grip.
So what’s your story about? And how would you illustrate that idea? Go on, leave a comment below, take a crack at it, and I’ll reply with some feedback.
photo credit: Amazon.com
Nancy Binks-Lyman says
I listened to Michelle Obama’s book (Becoming) on a long drive today…I can’t decide if it’s an autobiography or a memoir? If I apply the memoir algorithm, I get this:
It’s about finding herself as illustrated by life growing up in the south side of Chicago, told in a book. Close or not even in the same galaxy?
Thanks!
Jan Hogle says
Since Michelle Obama is famous, her book Becoming is an autobiography not a memoir, and it’s a very well-written book, in my opinion. I couldn’t put it down, and that was not because she was famous, but rather because it’s so well-written and insightful.
Nancy Binks-Lyman says
Makes perfect sense! Listening to her voice read her story is mesmerizing!
marion says
Dear Jan,
Here is a post about the difference between autobiography and memoir.
Enjoy.
Best,
Marion
Jan Hogle says
YES! That’s a post that can be read over and over and over…. till it sinks in!
Karen DeBonis says
It’s taken me twenty years to arrive at this, and then I realized I knew it all along. (But, of course, I’m open to tweaking!)
My book-length memoir is about the crippling nature of people-pleasing, illustrated by my struggle to stand up for my son through his rumble with a brain tumor.
Ellen Chauvin says
My memoir is about longing for home, illustrated by my grief after my mom died.
Ellen Chauvin says
Marion, I’ve listened to more of your wisdom and have a more specific about:
Grief is an unfulfilled longing. Specifically, grief is a longing for home that won’t be fulfilled this side of heaven, because heaven is home and we are just exiles here. As told in a spiritual memoir. Excited to get started breaking this down! Thanks for all your help!
Caroline says
My memoir is about the loss of childhood innocence, illustrated by the mistakes I made and the grace I learned to overcome them as a young woman in a book.
Close? ;)
Mark Porro says
My memoire, “A Cup of Tea on the Commode,” is a love letter to Mom, illustrated by my tales of taking care of her and surviving to tell them.
Katherine Cox Stevenson says
Mark your title!! SO fabulous! As an RN who was caregiver for my husband and now mother, “A cup of tea on the commode” says caregiving loved ones the best I have ever heard. Indeed surviving as well. All the best with your writing.
MARK S PORRO says
Thank you, Katherine. I just finished my latest draft. I wish you the best your caregiving and writing as well.
Ann Hutton says
I’ve written a memoir about getting straight with myself–as a wife, mother, and human being–when the heat of menopause served to burn away years of fear and self-doubt.
The plot line is the story of learning to ride a motorcycle at 52 (an entirely unexpected activity for me!) and cruising across the country on a Harley Davidson at 60. The quest was my antidote to all the symptoms of the Big Change that I couldn’t control.
The actual geographical journey from upstate New York, across the Rocky Mountains and back via a different route is the structure in which my discovery of a new sense of self takes place. Going out and coming back a different person–that classic plot line.
Mind you, when I began writing about my adventures, I had no idea where I’d end up. Thus, the self-discovery aspect. Like, “Oh…THIS is what my story is about.” I think not having that universal theme in mind up front caused me a lot of flailing around. And I’m sure the final manuscript could benefit from a revision done with that theme in mind.
Thanks–
Emily Suess says
I really do feel this in my soul. I worry a little that because I’m publishing a memoir serially as a webseries, people will have a harder time seeing it’s about something bigger than me, at least initially. The first several chapters are integral to the story, but they’re about “divorce” (my ex literally believes the whole thing is about him). When I get it finished, perhaps I can sort out a way to order the chapters (not chronologically) so that this become more apparent.
*sigh*
Anyway, I’ll keep plugging away in the hopes that the ABOUT is getting across.
P.S. I am one of those who loves Fleabag
Heather says
You turned on a light. I thought I was just relating to her behavior, but instead feel like I received very effective therapy about how pain/grief manifests universally (but obviously very individually). I think writing that is powerful CONNECTS us. Such a curious endeavor so so many of us solitary creatures who write
Susan Harms says
My universal story is about a quest for belonging and security which can lead to idolatry (as opposed to leading us to worship of our Creator). Idols do not deliver as promised. The book would be about idolatry. Why and how do we worship? And ultimately how do we turn our hearts to God instead of our idols.
As illustrated by my lifelong struggle with my weight (yo-yo dieting) and body image issues: How my “thin-self” became my idol. How I broke up with her. And how I’m turning my heart and worship towards where it belongs.
Suzy Taylor Oakley says
Susan, your story sounds great. I look forward to reading it when you’ve published. :)
Susan Harms says
Thank you, Suzy!
Susanna Frey says
I love Fleabag. I watched it when it first aired on Amazon and was so happy when the second season came out. You are right, it is about grief.
Like a chameleon, grief can be ever changing depending on what environment it lives in. People experience grief differently and I love that Fleabag’s grief process is disenfranchised grief. Society needs to stop stereotyping the grief process.
Natasha Williams says
My book length memoir is about the ways parents strive for redemption through the lives of their children, as illustrated by the chronicles of the love between a daughter and her schizophrenic father.
In order to convey a sense of belonging to her daughters the narrator must reconcile her estrangement with a mother who rejected the social constraints of mothering and make sense of the complications of her fathers mad love.
marion says
Oh, Natasha.
Oh, yes.
What rich territory.
Try reading this blog post and then get back to work.
Best,
Marion
Amy Bee says
I’ve been trying to fit my memoir idea into your algorithm for weeks! Nothing sounds quite right. This is what I’m currently using:
It’s about failed transformation, illustrated by my repeated attempts to evolve from a moody, dysfunctional, underachieving misfit to a well-adjusted, goal-oriented badass, all through long-distance hiking.
Thank you!
marion says
Dear Amy.
It seems to me you know something about the value of failure.
I think that is what your book is about.
You?
Best,
Marion
Amy Bee says
I’m laughing right now because you’re right. The value of failure. Sheesh! Thanks so much. -Amy
marion says
You are most welcome.
Let me be clear: I would not have seen it if it was my own tale.
This is why writers need community.
We need to pitch our stories to another writer who can see what it is about.
Onward.
M
Joanne Young Elliott says
I’m about to start outlining my first memoir. Thank you for this post. It’s helpful to think about it this way.
My theme: The journey of how we learn to take responsibility for shaping ourselves and our lives.
I see it starting with scenes from my childhood and showing how those experiences shaped me…stunted me. The journey is from feeling like a victim to becoming a person who is empowered.
marion says
Dear Joanne,
Good for you for doing this hard work.
Yes, that is, indeed, the journey. Just illustrate it with scenes.
Go get ’em.
Best,
Marion
Joanne Young Elliott says
Thank you for you feedback, Marion. It’s much appreciated.
marion says
This is good work, Joanne.
Taking responsibility for ourselves is a journey, isn’t it?
What wisdom there is in that.
Write that journey.
Show that journey to us.
Best,
Marion
Sandy Miranda says
Your posts are SO astute and helpful. My memoir is about trust, as illustrated by how I got in trouble trusting the wrong people, then trusted the right ones, and finally learned to trust myself, as illustrated in a memoir.
marion says
Dear Sandy,
Good for you.
Your are right on track.
Try reading this post and see if it helps you along.
Best,
Marion
Jan Hogle says
This post made me want to watch Fleabag! So, I will. Figuring out what one’s story is about is the most difficult aspect of writing memoir. I now realize that what I thought my memoir was about 4 years ago, is not quite accurate. I do get the idea about a universal theme and how events of my life illustrate that theme, but articulating what it’s about remains difficult.
But… I’m signed up for the Master Class, so I’m confident that class will help me clarify what I’m really writing about!
Christine says
Thank you for sharing the difficulty, I feel it too. After this post of Marion’s, I feel like “duh”, of course my story is about grief! How could I not see that before. Lightbulb moment.
marion says
Dear Jan,
I simply cannot wait to work with you.
Here we go. You’ll have a first draft by summer.
Onward!
Best,
Marion
Jan Hogle says
I know!! I SO enjoyed our first class. It was just awesome. I’m so on a roll with my writing!
And I watched the first season of Fleabag. I agree, it’s totally about grief. Now I have to watch season 2 even though I don’t really like the series much; although it’s funny in many places. But I really want to see what happens next!
Heather Kauer says
I THINK my memoir is about the importance of trusting and speaking up for yourself as illustrated by my life in and escape from a controlling relationship wrapped up in a cult.
marion says
Dear Heather,
Thank you for this.
Your story sounds deeply promising.
See if this blog post helps nudge you along.
And come back soon.
Best,
Marion
marion says
Dear Heather,
Yes: Voice.
We lose it so many different ways and get it back using which skills, acquired where?
Write it.
Best,
Marion
Katherine Cox Stevenson says
Thank you for this great opportunity Marion.
My memoir is about loss and eventual recovery as I navigated my husband’s dementia.
marion says
Hello to you.
You were one of my very first online clients and I have thought of you many times over the years.
How are you?
“Eventual recovery” is a powerful phrase.
Yes, indeed. In fact,it’s mighty.
When do we go from thinking recovery is around the corner to accepting it’s a journey?
You have my attention as a reader.
Write well.
Best,
Marion
Katherine Cox Stevenson says
How lovely you remember me Marion. That makes my day. I think of you often and always read your posts.
I am ok. My husband died 3.5 years ago and by then I had fully post myself. I will never recover my former strength but am adapting to a new normal which includes seven chickens, two cats, a Sheltie, and a little blue house overlooking the Salish Sea on a tiny island.
I have started writing my memoir again thankfully.
Thank you for asking. 😊
Katherine Cox Stevenson says
“Lost” myself not “post”
marion says
Dear Katherine,
Your position in the world sounds hard-won as well as beautiful.
Write well.
And stay in touch.
Best,
Marion
Colleen Golafshan says
Thanks, Marion, for such an interesting and thought-provoking post!
I’m writing about being forgiven and forgiving others as illustrated by my life in a book.
I’m grappling with how much of my life to include. I’d prefer my first memoir to focus on the first 8 years of my life which led me to choose to be baptised, fully immersed into water, to receive God’s forgiveness for what I felt bad about by that stage. My baptism, while I continue to seek God first in my life and confess further wrongs, covers all of these and allows me in turn to continually seek to forgive, including asking God’s forgiveness of, those who’ve hurt me from my birth till now – manifested in my life by recovering from trauma of abandonment, emotional abuse and now a low-grade lymphatic cancer.
marion says
Dear Colleen,
I find forgiveness to be the single most elusive of the goals in life – slippery and hard-to-master, it makes a great topic.
But here is the question for you. Answer it and you can finish this book, not merely write it: What is the return on investment (ROI) of forgiveness?
That is what your book is about. When you write, “continually seek to forgive,” you hint that forgiveness is a process and not a goal. Ooooh. That’s interesting. You get my complete attention. You seem to know more than I do.
Write that.
Best,
Marion
Colleen Golafshan says
Dear Marion
Thanks for such instructive and inspiring feedback.
I couldn’t stop writing about the ROI of forgiveness. So now I say my book is about freedom and peace that come from learning to forgive those who’ve hurt me after being forgiven myself by God as illustrated by my life.
Compressed further, it’s about how forgiveness heals our family’s dysfunction as illustrated by sharing a blanket with the man who divorced me 11 years earlier to be told in an essay.
With much thanks
Colleen :)
marion says
A blanket. My goodness. Yes.
I simply cannot wait to read it.
Wow.
Best,
Marion
Laura D says
Marion,
I have commented before but had to take time for me before proceeding forward. My goal is a memoir with poetry, artwork and pictures.
My memoir is about courage and growth through defiance
As illustrated by my journey of courage to rise above challenges others placed in my life.
Central Theme: May 1987
Story lines and examples drawn from:
Childhood trauma, May 1987 (infant hospitalized), raising a child with an acquired brain injury, separating, (nasty) child custody and divorce proceedings,his using my childhood trauma as a threat, 2 x suicide attempts and eventual death, trial and compensation for childhood trauma, medical complaint to Board, successful medical malpractice suit, second partner – mental illness, suicide attempts, eventual death, a brief unsuccessful marriage (no surprise!!), with lots of fun, careful sarcasm and craziness along the way!!….now learning mindfulness to just “be” me.
I look forward to your comment…guidance.
Thanks…
marion says
Dear Laura,
Thank you for your courageous share here.
Learning mindfulness with the goal just to be ourselves is a terrific endeavor.
So many of us strive to be what others need/want us to be.
And in your case, there are enormous forces at work to all you in many directions.
Show us how you realized that mindfulness was what was needed — I suspect you tried other things first.
The realization of what is actually needed usually comes mid Act Two.
For more on structure lessons, I’ve got classes for that.
But it sounds like you are well on your way here.
Write on.
Best,
Marion
Laura D says
Marion thankyou!
I am registered and working through your 6 Lesson Memoir Project class. I needed help with structure. With this clarity, I am leaning toward resilience for “X”.
Also registered for both Memoirama I and II. Looking forward to both classes.
marion says
Dear Laura,
How great.
I look forward to having you in class and getting to know your work.
Best,
Marion
Jan Hogle says
My argument (so far) is that life is hard until you accept who you are by following your nose until you find what you didn’t know you were looking for. It’s a story about searching for a home (even though I didn’t realize what I was doing) as illustrated by wandering and doing dangerous stuff around the world.
My working title is Risking Wreckage. So far.
marion says
I just adore this title.
And I think you’ve done great work here on the algorithm and argument.
Now the job is to prove that argument via scenes told one at a time.
Onward!
Dana M says
I’m writing my dad’s memoir. Over the years, he recorded himself telling stories about his life, and I have now transcribed them all. I’m ready to write the book, but I’m struggling with structure. I’ve noticed that the stories fall into several different categories, such as “childhood” and “work,” and I’m having a difficult time finding a universal theme. What would be the best way to handle a memoir like this? The audience will primarily be family.
I appreciate your help. Your site has been of great assistance to me. Thank you.
marion says
Dear Dana,
What a great assignment.
You might consider the overall theme as one of his greatest characteristics, and then write the book to illustrate how he got, used and kept that going through his life.
Was he greatly curious? Courageous? Loyal? Dutiful?
Even family members deserve a well-organized book and one way to do that is around what he most exemplified.
Go get ’em.
Best,
Marion
Dana M says
Thank you, Marion. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Many words describe my dad, including those you’ve given as examples here. I think dutiful is a good one. He still exemplifies that trait today, and I can see it threaded throughout many of the stories he told (and tells!) me. I’ll take another look at his stories and see what characteristic would work best.
I appreciate your help so much. You’ve given me a new direction, which is something I’ve needed, as I’ve been stuck on this for quite a while. Thank you for renewing my enthusiasm for this project!
Dana
marion says
Dear Dana,
You are most welcome.
It’s a joy to have you along on this great adventure of writing.
Be well.
Best,
Marion
Autumn says
Marion,
I’ve been struggling recently to pin down what exactly my memoir is about, because I believe it is about many things that have a tendency to overlap. My working argument: You will spend your life seeking fulfillment from others if you do not find it within yourself, as illustrated by my attempts to find fulfillment from God and the men in my life throughout high school and college.
While reflecting about how the transformation occurred from that point forward, I noticed parallels in how I essentially lumped God and the self together. When I rejected myself, I rejected God, but began to essentially worship the men in my life as I was instructed to worship God growing up because I was searching for the fulfillment I should have derived from myself in others. I could also seeing my argument being about the rejection of self, but that might fit under the umbrella of my working argument?
I might be overthinking, as I have a tendency to do. Insight would be greatly appreciated :)
marion says
Dear Autumn,
Welcome.
You are doing hard work here.
Good for you.
As a result of that hard work, your argument is strong as is stated in that first paragraph.
Now think of what scenes you would use to illustrate knowing what you now know.
We all overthink. No worries there.
But try illustrating that first argument and its the scenes in order and see what you’ve got.
It sounds good.
Best,
Marion
Autumn Green says
Thank you so much for your feedback! Reading through your blog posts has been a great source of help for me, and I look forward to taking a class of yours soon.
marion says
You are most welcome, Autumn.
Elizabeth says
My memoir is about my observations of my husband’s management and struggle with PTSD. We married not long after his diagnosis. I learned the hard way the symptomatology and stressors. My universal theme is about survival. His and mine. My struggle, besides the rewrite I’m doing, is what timeframe to use, where to end, while our story is still evolving, still providing insights and hope for veterans and their families. Thank you for your illustration.
marion says
Dear Elizabeth,
Good for you for telling your tale.
I encourage you to heighten that “what is this about” factor and make it universal.
The way I define memoir, it is about what you know after something you’ve been through.
So, of those astute observations of your husband’s management and struggle, what it the one big roof under which all those other observations live?
For me, as a caregiver of 15 years for my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease, my caregiving knowledge is now that caregiving is all about boundaries. Learning it, well, that’s the story.
Make sense?
Hope so.
Best,
Marion
Elizabeth Evans says
Marion,
‘Thank you for responding to my post and “yes”, it does make sense. I am grateful for all the insights you provide. Thank you, again.
Elizabeth
Anna says
First, I’d just like to say thank you for your expertise. I’m super excited to try memoir after reading that it isn’t about me. My life is rather mundane, however, using my experiences as an illustration for a theme is interesting. My story is about the pitfalls of sexual impurity as illustrated through workplace harassment, lost love, and psychiatric ward harassment, all which may have resulted from a lack of self-esteem in regards to sexuality. I’m looking forward to uncovering this further as I write.
marion says
Dear Anna,
Exactly right: Your experiences are the illustration. Good for you for getting this right.
Memoir is not about what you did. Memoir is about what you did with it.
Write well, and come back for more. There are hundreds of thousands of words here on this site to guide you. Start by reading through the blog. Enjoy.
Best,
Marion