Memoir FAQ: My Answers to Memoir’s Biggest Questions

WE RECENTLY HAD A FABULOUS time hosting a 5-week Memoir Project bookclub. It included live online Q&A in which you asked me questions about memoir writing. Amazingly, far more people showed up than we expected, for which I am humbled and delighted, but I also know that means that many of you did not get to ask your question. So, here are topics I know are always posed as the biggest questions about memoir writing. Enjoy.

My deepest thanks for joining us during our celebration of the new, updated and re-issued edition of The Memoir Project, A Thoroughly Non-Standardized Text for Writing & Life. My great hope is that your questions about memoir writing are answered below.

Q: How does one go about “heightening” the X factor?

A: This refers to my little algorithm. This is a device I designed to help everyone discover what any piece of memoir is about. But, before we go any further, let’s begin with a good, working definition of memoir. Memoir is not about you. It’s is about something, and you are its illustration. Specifically, memoir is about something universal – mercy, forgiveness, discovery, justice, or patriotism – and your story illustrates how and what you learned about that universal. The algorithm helps you get away from thinking your story is about you. It reads like this: It’s about x as illustrated by y to be told in a z. In other words, it’s about something universal, as illustrated by something deeply personal to be told in some length (blog post, personal essay, op-ed or book). The way you heighten that x factor is to think about the return on investment (ROI) of delving into that universal. If, for instance, your x factor is mercy, consider what learning to be merciful bought to your life, and then rewrite that algorithm as, “It’s about how learning to be merciful releases grief, as illustrated by burying my abusive father to be told in an essay.”

Q: How do you prefer getting in necessary/relevant information about something that took place at a time earlier than the story-line? In dialog? Narrative?

A: In journalism we call this b-matter or backstory. Readers can extract a whole lot of characterization from a gesture – the withering look of a potential mother-in-law tells us a great deal. Bam. We get it. The rule is to be brief, but accurate. Please read this post on how to use backstory when writing memoir.

Q: It’s unclear how to focus it the memoir, or even which part of my life to write it about. How do I finally decide which to focus on ? And how do I structure it?

A: Despite what many new writers believe, memoir is not a plot-driven genre. In fact, memoir is not about you. Knowing the difference between memoir and autobiography is a great place to start. In short, memoir is not about you. Here is your new mantra: Memoir is not about what you did. Memoir is about what you did with it. Your structure comes from knowing what your book is about. Your book is about something you know after something you’ve been through. Book structure is something that no one knows about until they are taught. It was taught to me by four great New York book editors. After learning the difference between memoir and autobiography, read this post on how to structure a memoir that works.

Q: Any suggestions for an easy and effective “tracking system” to know where and when you sent your work?

A: For everything on submissions, as well as everything on the business of writing, I defer to Jane Friedman. Go read up on her pages. I’d be fascinated to see what she recommends. I recently interviewed her on all aspects of building a writing brand for the QWERTY podcast. Go see.

Q: I want to include details of my family tree in my memoir but I’m struggling to do it without it being an “info dump.” Any hints?

A: Be kind to your readers. Here is the word you must use: Curate. Knowing how to curate your life when writing memoir is an essential skill you need to master. Curate through the information and tell us only what we need to know, judging that by how it heightens your argument. Read this post on how much detail should writers use.

Q: My next project is sitting in plastic file boxes in my study.  It is to be a social history of my town and includes photos and hand-drawn maps. Where do I start?

A: Oooh. I love this. I adore this. And I would never emerge from this job alive. Nope. Not unless I gave myself strict deadlines. This is a rabbit hole to fall into and never emerge, and your job is to love it, absolutely, but also to curtail this right from the start. So, first thing you need is an understanding of how to go from idea to publication. Then, you need to set a deadline. Specifically, you must decide on an end date and then make one-third of that time for research, one-third for writing and one-third for editing. And then you need to hold to that deadline by dividing each of those three time segments by pages that need to be read, pages that need to be written and pages that need to be edited over that time period. And then you have to meet those daily deadlines. When writing a book, I write 5 pages a day, five days a week. That’s 25 pages a week, or one hundred pages a month. Divided like that, I have a first draft of 300 pages in three months. I precede that with three months of research, continue the research as needed, as I write, and rewrite/edit five pages a day during my last chunk of work time. Writing is about discipline. It’s about habit. Learn how to develop a daily writing practice and you can write many books in this writing life of yours.

Q: I am writing a historical fiction story of how my family immigrated to America. Do you have suggestions for learning about historically-correct details, such as transportation, food, clothing, jobs, family customs, etc.?

A: Start with your local historical society. Call them and get connected to an expert. I have never once had someone say no to me when calling about their area of expertise. Also, universities are full of scholars on every possible area of expertise. I never trust online sources for citation, though I begin online and then track down the author of the scholarly pieces for my books. For my book on red hair, I tracked down everything from a population geneticist at Oxford (who I went and visited in person), a hat specialist in London, riggers of ships at Mystic Seaport (whom I also visited in person), and more by beginning online and then contacting people who had written scholarly pieces in reputable journals. So, go get yourself some original sources in the form of human experts.

Q: I tend to start a project, work on it for a while, then start another one. How do you keep your interest and passion so high that you finish your book and then reread it for editing purposes? I tend to get all excited about a theme and then it fizzles out.

A: Many writers have multiple projects working at once. But you must finish them. You need deadlines. Period. Make them and meet them by dividing the work into pages or words per day, five days each week. To do so, you must develop a writing practice.

Q: Is publishing with indie publishers worth it? Do you think or prefer to stick with traditional publishers?

A: Yes, indie publishers are divine. Mass market publishers are divine. Getting paid is divine. But you need to finish the product before you worry about who will publish it.

Q: Should I hire an illustrator or just let the publisher take care of that?

A: This issue is out of my area of expertise. Try Jane Friedman’s online site and search for information on hiring illustrators. Also, read the QWERTY podcast interview (while you listen along, if you like) with Jane Friedman, on all aspects of the business of writing.

Q: Regarding a lengthy personal essay (completed draft): are there some good techniques for paring the piece down when it feels a bit weighty on the “info/backstory” end, and yet the info also feels necessary?

A: Every single word that goes into your piece must heighten your argument. Tell me only what I need to know to understand the background. This can be done in a gesture, a piece of dialogue or a glimpse of someone. Think how quickly you scan people and rooms and situations in life and know what’s what. Do so for your reader.

Q: How do you know if a flashback is important to the story or not?  Can it be argued that it explains who the narrator is and became that person?

A: Flashbacks are only important if they provide context for the reader. Everything must drive one, single story forward and that story must be based on a good solid argument. Every piece of non-fiction is an argument. Read this post on how to write your memoir and let it help you to incorporate only what you need. And write on.

Q: How can you make sure your memoir is universal?

A: By “universal,” I mean that the piece is not about you. It’s about something and you are its illustration. It’s about one of the big universals in life – mercy, honor, patriotism, justice – and your job is to know how to choose scenes when writing memoir. Those scenes are what illustrate your moments of learning about that big universal. Think of those scenes as beads on an abacus. They must add up to something, and that something is not your life story. I strongly recommend you begin by reading this piece on how memoir is a three-legged stool. 

Q: Is there a minimum or maximum word count requirement for memoirs?

A: Not any more. It was once the rule that nothing under 75,000 words could be presented to an editor for consideration. Now, I read miniatures – tiny takes on life’s big moments – as well as graphic memoirs all the time. Yipppeeeee! You are done when you have proved your argument. See the divine work of Abigail Thomas for how to write small. She’s the very best there is.

Q: Do you have any tips for revising a memoir?

A: Always edit to your pitch. Chant that phrase to yourself. What it means is edit down to the one-sentence pitch you’d give an agent or editor. To attain that one-sentence pitch, use my little algorithm: It’s about x as illustrated by y to be told in a z. Memoir structure is a three-legged stool that holds up your story. Knowing what it is about, combined with knowing what you are arguing, combined with knowing what scenes you will choose from your life to illustrate your universal are the three legs of that stool. Edit to finely hone your argument and leave out anything that does not do so. Your pitch is not your plot line – what happens in the book. Your pitch is what its about in the universal and how you intend to show that. And it’s one, single sentence. Sound hard? It is, but writing a good one, and then editing to it, will change you into a pro.

Q: How does one judge if a given experience is worth writing down?

A: Everyone has stories. The key is in asking yourself, “What is this about?” The piece must have a universal appeal. Read the post linked here for more on that.

Q: Are there publishers for short 2-5 page memoirs?

A: Look online for a place that takes pieces on your topic. Every online and in-print publication now runs online submissions guidelines. Here are the submissions guidelines for the ever-popular Modern Love column in The New York Times. Writing short? Have you seen Brevity Magazine? It sounds like a place for you.

Q: What advice would you give regarding writing a memoir for someone else?

A: I have written a good, long piece on this topic in which I explain everything you need to do this. Please read this post on how to write someone else’s story. 

Q: Are you open to giving direct feedback on a given manuscript?

A: Of course. I have more than 60 books on my desk from clients who have published their books after working with me. I work as a memoir editor, meaning I read and edit. I also work as a memoir coach. Please come see my manuscript services.

Q: I have written a memoir and had it rejected at every agent to which I sent it. I am disheartened.

A: Publication is a tough business. I always advise everyone that you first must love the work since there is no way to predict what will happen on the business end. So first off, let me say congratulations on your hard work. Rewriting it as a novel might be a good idea, but has anyone given you valuable insight into why it is not marketable as a piece of memoir? I’d start there and follow whatever guidelines were provided on why it is not yet a memoir to be taken to market.

Q: My children are my biggest roadblock to my memoir writing. How can I do this without hurting them? They are grown adults now and this was my targeted time to start but I’m struggling to begin. There is so much they don’t know about my life.

A: You need to first write the tale before you can know what it will be. Do not share your work with anyone in your family and certainly do not tell them what it contains. All of that will only contribute to more reasons not to write. There is so much resistance to writing. Do not add more. I always advise people to either work with a coach or teacher – someone who is invested in your success – and to get the piece on the page long before we worry what others will think. Good luck.

Q: Why do you hate writing prompts and yet encourage writing lists?

A: Writing prompts are a menace. Here is a post on how to write without writing prompts. I don’t see the list as a prompt since I am not telling you what to list, but if you see it as a prompt, please use it with my good wishes. Either way, it’s time to write a list. For the best list I know, please see this piece on how to use lists to write memoir.

Q: How to write a first draft?

A: There is no such thing as a good first draft. Yes, much will be figured out in the rewrite, though there are more than several tips I can give you on how to write a first draft.

Q: After writing a first draft, does it make more sense to have an editor read and edit my memoir or to get help on writing a proposal for finding an agent or publisher?

A: I strongly advise you read up on Jane Friedman’s blog on how to find an agent and/or editor, and then refer to the interview I did with her in which she directly addresses this topic with great tips on how to find an agent. Since I work as a book editor, I can also strongly advise that working with a professional is always a good idea. I learned to write books from four great editors in New York publishing. No one is born knowing how to do this and no one understands book structure until it is taught to them.

Q: I’m intending to self-publish and print only enough for me to gift to my family, but would like the option of printing more later on if I want.

A: Any good, self-publishing firm is an option. I have used the Troy Book Makers for a collection of essays by writers that I recently edited and published. They did a gorgeous job.

Q: I would like to capture a more personal voice in my writing. I sometimes feel like I’m writing at an arm’s length.

A: All journalists struggle with this. We are trained to keep ourselves out. I strongly suggest you read the Personal History columns in The New Yorker to help you develop an ear and comfort for the voice. For a crash course in how to be in a tale, read Ariel Levy’s Thanksgiving in Mongolia.

Q: I ended up with a memoir of 32,000 words instead of 60,000 words. Has this happened to others?

A: Short is fine. You are done when you prove your argument. Period. As a book editor, I spend an inordinate amount of time lopping off the last thirds of books.

Q: Can you discuss an episodic structure for memoir, tying the episodes to a particular theme? What are some possibilities with this style and some drawbacks?

A: Your memoir is based on your structure. Your structure is built from knowing what your memoir is about. Your memoir is about something you know after something you’ve been through and is written from one area of your expertise at a time. I have a dozen areas of expertise. So do you. And looked at this way, you can write a dozen or so book-length memoirs in this writing life of yours. You choose scenes only from that area of expertise. Start here with this post on how to choose scenes when writing memoir.

Q: Do you need dialogue in a memoir?

A: Well, you don’t need it, but it sure is a mighty tool to have in your toolbox. Read this post on how to write dialogue in memoir.

Q: Is having more than one reader and editor a good idea?

A: I have very strict rules for myself on the writing and editing process, including when to get feedback and who gets to give it. When to get writing feedback is a crucial piece of timing that you need to consider. With the wrong feedback at the wrong time, the whole project goes sideways – or worse, goes into a drawer. Simply put, multiple editors is a recipe for chaos, as is having too many beta readers. Find someone you trust and stick with that person. But that person must be invested in your success, meaning that he or she must not say things like, “I like it!” all the time. That person must have experience in getting a book to market, either for herself or for other writers. There are far too many book editors and coaches on the market with no such success rate, and way too many who claim to be “bestselling authors,” who are not. Check credentials. Ask for references. Ask for their definition of “bestselling,” and be prepared for a shock by the diversity of answers. Here is what I know for certain: All of my editors made my books better. They taught me how to write books. I learned how to do this from four of the greatest book editors in New York. So, ask your potential editor who taught them and which books have been published as a result of their work. I use the same standards for self-publishing, since books to be read by family should be as good as they can be, as well. Be discerning.

Q: I have somewhere between 30-50 stories of about 10 pages apiece from my childhood.  I think that I have figured out my argument.  How do I make a memoir from here?

A: This is a large question that requires a large answer, since it encompasses everything from how to find a common theme to how to lay out a piece, as well as how to write and edit it. Please start here with this post on how to plan a memoir and then read the other posts suggested there.

Q: Can I write a story that may have legal repercussions for my loved ones without hurting them?

A: I do not know your loved ones and I never give legal advice, but I do give this advice all the time: Write the piece first. See what you have. You can then show it to an attorney. All of my published books have been lawyer-ed by my publishers. But I had to write them first. So, write it first. You may have nothing to worry about. Memoir always has consequences. The most rich of these consequences is your own self-discovery. For more on memoir’s truth and consequences, read this post.

Q: I feel like I should write a spiritual memoir. How do I know that my story should be told in a spiritual memoir instead of spiritual non-fiction (more of a how-to/self-help book)?

A: I love a good hybrid memoir, meaning one that combines recipes with memoir or self-help amid the pages of a story. Can memoir be a self-help book? You bet it can. Here is my advice: Be daring. Have you seen the absolutely brilliant book, The Suicide Index, by Joan Wickersham? Check out what she did there and write your own, unique form. Write the piece first. Love the work. The business of writing is its own beast. As to the business of writing, wait until you have something to take to the market before you decide it’s not worth writing. Go on, write it.

Q: I would like to learn more about writing op-eds and personal essay. Where to start?

A: Two of my four books came from shorter pieces I had published. As a result, I am a huge believer in testing one’s material on the public before committing to a book-length piece. I know I said I would not upsell anything, so excuse this, but I do teach an online class in how to write op-eds, radio essays and digital commentary.  Please go read the description. This might be just the place for you.

Q: Sending out work and having it rejected is really discouraging. Any advice?

A: Many of my clients have terrific success on large, online sites. They begin the research for finding a writing home by searching for phrases that best reflect who they are and what they write, as in “best websites for women over forty,” and other such phrases. I strongly recommend you get away from submitting only to the major outlets – The New York Times, The New Yorker – and develop a publishing run with an online home with a large readership. After that, you can approach the big ones. All that being said, please see this remarkable piece by writer Tammy Rabideau in The Modern Love column of The New York Times. She is a client. This is the first piece she’s written and  published. Wow, right?

Q: Do you think this is a good time to send my book out to possible agents – will they have more time at home to read a good book? Or is this the worst possible time?

A: If you mean now, as in the time of the Coronavirus, I’d suggest you wait until everyone is back at work. Right now, publishers are undergoing a terrible time of promoting what books were scheduled for the next few months. Wait a little.

Q: My book will have 15 or 20 short stories/vignettes/metaphors for different lessons I’ve learned. Would this be considered a memoir, or should I call it a collection of personal essays or personal narratives? How does one tell the difference?

A: It sounds like a memoir told in essays, a very popular format. But even those must have cohesion. That cohesion is developed with a feeling of transcendence. Something has to develop and change over the series of essays. I love essay collections, and the reader must feel that sense of change as she progresses through the book. Go get ‘em.

Q: Any tips on a full revision of memoir?

A: A full revision suggests that something is not quite working. I suggest you review your argument and base your rewrite on proving that argument. Almost every book that comes my way needs that first and foremost. New memoir writers always make the mistake of defaulting to their plots and merely relating their life stories instead of showing us a transcendent experience. It’s the nature of the beast. But we are not reading for your plot. We are reading to grow our sense of the universals of life. A strong argument will let you get away from a you-centered tale and will transpose that tale to a universal.

Q: I believe my book is about the universal theme of rejection/acceptance. Unfortunately, I have had a frustrating time trying to work a personal argument out of all my stories. How does all or some of my work become a cohesive book?

A: Many writers face this kind of dilemma. All you need here is to look to the universal. You are looking at your specifics. You need an argument, from which you will develop a structure. Read this post on how to decide what your memoir is about.

Q: I have a series of memories that I could curate into a full-length memoir, but I am wondering if each chapter could follow this structure: memory – theological and psychological implications – life application/resolution. Would that still be considered memoir or something else?

A: Those series of memories can become a memoir when you choose a solid argument to prove. What are you saying to the reader that you know after what you’ve been through? What do you have to share? Figure that out. To do so, try this post on how to choose your memoir structure. Start there and write well.

Q: What are the pros and cons of presenting a piece in chronological order vs. grouping subjects?

A: How to tell your tale depends on what you are arguing. In fact, every single decision in memoir goes back to what you are arguing and how best to support that argument. Try reading this piece in which I compile a summer’s worth of thoughts on memoir writing and see if it helps. Good luck.

Want more help? Come see me in any one of my online classes.

Memoirama: Live, 90 minutes. Everything you need to write what you know.

Memoirama 2. Live, two hours. Limited to seven writers. What you need to know to structure a book.

How to Write Opinion Pieces: Op-eds, Radio Essays and Digital Commentary: Live, 90 minutes. Get your voice out into the world.

And keep in mind that I am now taking names for the July-December 2021 Master Class, the prerequisites for which are Memoirama and Memoirama 2. Live, once a month. Limited to seven writers who are determined to get a first draft of their memoir finished in six months.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash